Hi Anita,

Sorry for the late response. What you said about the core beliefs really rings true for me. I loved my mother very much but if I look back honestly, there were times when she said things that have now become my insecurities. For example I remember her saying that I had ‘thunder thighs’ when I was about four or five. Every day I look in the mirror and feel like my legs are ugly and fat. I have an overbite which my mum and my sister used to comment on and I have recently begun dental treatment to fix it because I feel like that’s all people see when they look at me. She also used to say my hair looked dead and flat quite a lot when I was younger. I now have hair extensions because I am so self-conscious about my hair. These are all things that I know are just shallow but they make me feel like I’m unattractive and that people see me as less valuable. These are things that I particularly get self-conscious about when I am in a relationship because I feel like other women see me with my partner and think that he is too good for me.

I wrote on another post about how my current boyfriend was still using dating websites after he told me he loved me. I have tried to move past this but it has re-inforced these negative ideas about myself because I feel like I clearly wasn’t good enough otherwise he wouldn’t be looking elsewhere. I now get paranoid about everything. We usually see each other at weekends and this weekend he has today said he will only be able to spend a little while with me because he has to work on a car for his dad. Earlier on in the week he followed a girl on instagram. In my head I now feel like he has arranged to see this girl at the weekend and the story about the car is a lie.

I agree that it would probably be best to cut all ties with everyone from that religion and that time. But I feel as if it would really destroy me to do that. I already feel very alone, and even though I don’t see them all that often, I would feel very isolated in the world.

When you said about choosing behaviour carefully and not reacting to the fear and insecurity, I agree totally with this. The part I struggle with is working out which feelings I have are irrational and a result of insecurity and which feelings are justified because of someone behaving unacceptably.

If you don’t mind me asking, what poor choices did you make? And how did they affect your life?

I would be very interested in hearing more about your story and I am really happy to hear that you have been able to shift some of those feelings of shame. There are times when I feel like I am strong and have grown, but then it seems to all come crumbling down again.