Anita,

I think you’ve got something, but when it comes to me there’s not just one reason or one layer, let’s say… it’s so weird that usually for people they have like only one reason why things don’t happen (if they fix that they are successful) but with me there’s just all the reasons and some of them are things I can’t fix. Maybe the point you mentioned is just one more of them.

Problems so far have included: lack of libido, fear of physical intimacy, not hitting off with most people, people not being interested in me in general, boring personality, not knowing how to flirt (and actively disliking it), not being white (when you want to date only white people, that IS a thing unfortunately), being overweight, being the female version of a Nice Guy. Maybe what you mentioned is just one more thing for this list.

Yesterday I went to a party with friends from uni, and this one girl tried to hook up with the other who’s lesbian and all… and she wasn’t interested in me at all… I mean, I wouldn’t do it anyway because that girl is married and that’s a huge no to me, but just the fact that once again I’m not even a choice just hurts too much. People are never interested in me in that way. I supposed it should be flattering that many people see me as a good person to talk to and all but that’s not what I need from life anymore.

That’s something I don’t understand… how are you supposed to feel positive when absolutely NO ONE that you were interested in, or that you tried to date in general, liked you. I mean, there were times I was satisfied about myself because I was at least trying, and also doing other things that generally were positive to myself, but rejection after rejection after rejection just destroyed me. It didn’t matter how happy I was with myself, people just didn’t want to be with me anyway…

If I am meant to live this life where I’m constantly rejected, I just wish I could die. I’m not brave enough to take my own life in a definitive way, unfortunately.