Anita,

yeah I am aware these are powerful statements, and also that they are nonetheless true. I have endured 30 years of this crap, I am tired, and I expected some justice (I believe in the Universe, and guides, and all that — but they seem to ignore me).

I don’t think the rejection I’ve been through is normal, particularly when I see how it goes with people around me. I saw my friends also go through the experience of online dating and they were not rejected by all the people they dated. While true that not all first dates become second, or a relationship, it definitely wasn’t 100% rejection. Not to mention the people they dated within the friend circle.

The 25 were the people I approached for dates/feelings sharing. I have liked way more people than that, but whom I knew wouldn’t work out because of whatever reason.

My opinion of rejection is true for my academia friends too. Super common to see people dating within the workplace, like the story I just told in the other post. High school/college was the same, so many couples among my class (they are still together!). Yet for me that never happened. Nobody ever looked at me as a potential anything. At least now I am respected and have friends because back then it was much worse.

When it comes to online dating I haven’t rejected people unless they had a couple traits that were unacceptable to me. But it wasn’t that often at all. I am not saying that all the people I went to first dates with (the 15) were a match, but I was willing to give them a chance if they were interested in me. I would have forced myself, sincerely.

About my childhood my grandmother wasn’t the enemy to me. I just wanted her love, and to be fair despite all this crap she did way more for me than my mom ever did. It sounds so absurd to write it, but still true! I think she was the only person that knew me and saw me, even though she only paid attention to my deficits/flaws and I didn’t get appreciated for the good parts.

It’s a catch-22, depression affects ability to care about academia which in turn makes me more depressed. To be fair that’s not the only problem with academia (the competition, the judgement, the uselessness of studies, how people can’t find jobs afterwards).

I’ve been on and off therapy (mostly on) for the past 18 years. I am definitely someone else from when I started but still with no light at the end of the tunnel…