Hi Shelby,

Your therapist is probably right. I guess the healing journey is one I have to take by myself, just in a sense I felt like it was his responsibility to be a part of it because he was the major cause of the trauma.

I often have days when I can push the events into the back of my mind and ‘get on with things’ those are also the days where I’d quite happily reconcile with him. But eventually the truth catches up to me and I realise I am more broken than I allow myself to accept. I need to be honest with myself about this time in my life and I need to face it – it is just a really scary place. I guess in a sense my coping mechanism was to not allow myself to think about it or even be upset about it because quite often those thoughts do lead me to my dark place and then I don’t know how to get myself out, it’s terrifying.

I’m going to chase my counselling appointments on Monday and hopefully they’ll have some good news for me!

I am ready to heal. I want to get better. I need to feel better now.

It is an instereating dream you had. The idea that personality/ looks wise this man was quite similar to your ex and yet not him entirely.. Perhaps your subconscious is trying to open you up to the idea of a new romantic partner somewhere down the line.

Also, you sound like you’ve been doing really well or at least much better since your last contact with your ex. You definitely sound a lot more rational and a lot more determined to coming out of this horrible phase! This is a big step! You should be proud of yourself!