anitia, i see where you are going with this.  However

“Here is the problem: when you were with her, you felt it but not continuously. It is impossible to feel it continuously. We only get a feel of it, here and there, a sniff, a taste of it and it is gone. But the longing, that is continuous.”

That’s the thing.  For a good part of our relationship, it was continuous.  Even when we weren’t together, I still had that feeling because of how we did communicate and keep in touch.  because of the little things that we each did.  It really wasn’t until her older son really started causing drama that things got shitty and i felt like i was being put on the back burner.

That’s why I think it has been so hard for me.

I don’t think everyone has experienced this.  Yes maybe as a child, but not something you would remember.  I know in my lifetime, with her was the first time in my life i ever had that feeling.  That feeling of complete and utter bliss and happiness.  Smiling everyday, just happy to be alive.  wanting nothing but to just love her and show her that.

I know i don’t feel that now.  I do love my girlfriend, but not the same.  She loves me that way.  I wish I did her.  It was the best feeling in the world.

Believe me, I am trying to move on and “wake up”.  Every day I tell myself that.  That I need to enjoy and appreciate what I have.

I can’t help these feelings when they come up though (I cried last night again).  Like today being the day my ex and I first physically met.  It was an amazing night.

I know I will probably never have that again.  It’s just feelings that arise and they are hard to deal with and understand.

Thank you all for listening and helping.  It has been getting a little better each day.