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Reply To: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

HomeForumsRelationshipsvery confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me pleaseReply To: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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Anonymous
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Dear  John:

I was wrong about you in the past (on this thread) when  I thought you were not capable  of insight. I am somewhat embarrassed for having thought that and stated that to you. There were other things I thought I understood correctly but did not. You did learn from that relationship, you did gain insight. Your last post for one is written so  well, organized, clear.

You are learning and I am learning, this is a good thing. What I understand at this  point, and correct me where I am wrong, that with this woman, you had the best feeling in the world, a feeling like you never had before with previous ex girlfriends/ wife or after. And you experienced that feeling  often with her and for  long periods of time. It was refreshing, motivating, joyful, Life itself with a capital L, fireworks and all,  suddenly and magically appearing in your life in all its glory, sort of. Correct? Like the grass has never been greener and the  sun never more pleasant and inviting one to play..I can go on and on. “Pure bliss” you called it. I  know this feeling. There is no better feeling, to feel this way  for  someone and be together with that someone, or even imagine being together, looking forward, like you looked  forward that weekend, for Friday night, then Saturday, then Sunday. And now that it is over, you still long for her/ for that  feeling. Why would anyone let go of the memory of this feeling, of still wanting it?

Everything in comparison is dull, grey, uninviting. And everything  we do doesn’t compare. The song “Nothing compares to you” comes to  mind. There are lots and lots of love songs about this very  feeling, “You’ll never  know another love  like mine” is another line  that comes to  mind, “I am nothing without you” and so on,  so many. What if we all long for that feeling, John? What if we all felt it and  long  for it ever since?

And this is my point, this very longing, the one  you have been experiencing with this woman and about this woman, we all experience  it, we all long  for it. I think, literally and figuratively, we come  out  of our mothers and we  don’t  want to. We cry because we don’t  like  it out there and  we want  back. Oh-gross, I here a voice in my head commenting on what I just typed. Yes, maybe gross, but true nonetheless. What better memories  are  there, for  those  who remember it, than the memories of early  childhood held and loved by our mothers or fathers? Do we ever want  to leave that  embrace, if we remember it?

Look at your jealousy regarding her son: “I resented him for taking her away from me”- this is a child jealous at a sibling, a new baby to the family, perhaps. This was  not you,  an adult, seeing her as another adult, this is you the child competing  for mother’s attention.

I don’t think you thought of her as a mother figure because for one, you don’t have  good  memories with your mother, not really, you don’t think highly of your mother, you resent her, so you didn’t  imagine this woman could be … like a mother  figure.

This woman was not like your mother, she was like a good, loving, embracing mother. There is a difference.

If you managed  to reunite with her, the woman  we are talking  about, you would still be  jealous of her son, or of someone else she  may attend to. The competition would  have continued. It would  feel good until this or that happens, and you will be waiting for this or that to be  over so that you will have her  again, all to yourself. An ongoing struggle, because we can’t go back in time and be that young child again. It makes me sad. Because if I was  given the chance now to be safe that way, all fears silenced, all worries gone, time standing  still and all is good, I would take this feeling anytime, forevermore.

anita