Home→Forums→Relationships→very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please→Reply To: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please
Dear John:
I was wrong about you in the past (on this thread) when I thought you were not capable of insight. I am somewhat embarrassed for having thought that and stated that to you. There were other things I thought I understood correctly but did not. You did learn from that relationship, you did gain insight. Your last post for one is written so well, organized, clear.
You are learning and I am learning, this is a good thing. What I understand at this point, and correct me where I am wrong, that with this woman, you had the best feeling in the world, a feeling like you never had before with previous ex girlfriends/ wife or after. And you experienced that feeling often with her and for long periods of time. It was refreshing, motivating, joyful, Life itself with a capital L, fireworks and all, suddenly and magically appearing in your life in all its glory, sort of. Correct? Like the grass has never been greener and the sun never more pleasant and inviting one to play..I can go on and on. “Pure bliss” you called it. I know this feeling. There is no better feeling, to feel this way for someone and be together with that someone, or even imagine being together, looking forward, like you looked forward that weekend, for Friday night, then Saturday, then Sunday. And now that it is over, you still long for her/ for that feeling. Why would anyone let go of the memory of this feeling, of still wanting it?
Everything in comparison is dull, grey, uninviting. And everything we do doesn’t compare. The song “Nothing compares to you” comes to mind. There are lots and lots of love songs about this very feeling, “You’ll never know another love like mine” is another line that comes to mind, “I am nothing without you” and so on, so many. What if we all long for that feeling, John? What if we all felt it and long for it ever since?
And this is my point, this very longing, the one you have been experiencing with this woman and about this woman, we all experience it, we all long for it. I think, literally and figuratively, we come out of our mothers and we don’t want to. We cry because we don’t like it out there and we want back. Oh-gross, I here a voice in my head commenting on what I just typed. Yes, maybe gross, but true nonetheless. What better memories are there, for those who remember it, than the memories of early childhood held and loved by our mothers or fathers? Do we ever want to leave that embrace, if we remember it?
Look at your jealousy regarding her son: “I resented him for taking her away from me”- this is a child jealous at a sibling, a new baby to the family, perhaps. This was not you, an adult, seeing her as another adult, this is you the child competing for mother’s attention.
I don’t think you thought of her as a mother figure because for one, you don’t have good memories with your mother, not really, you don’t think highly of your mother, you resent her, so you didn’t imagine this woman could be … like a mother figure.
This woman was not like your mother, she was like a good, loving, embracing mother. There is a difference.
If you managed to reunite with her, the woman we are talking about, you would still be jealous of her son, or of someone else she may attend to. The competition would have continued. It would feel good until this or that happens, and you will be waiting for this or that to be over so that you will have her again, all to yourself. An ongoing struggle, because we can’t go back in time and be that young child again. It makes me sad. Because if I was given the chance now to be safe that way, all fears silenced, all worries gone, time standing still and all is good, I would take this feeling anytime, forevermore.
anita