Hello Anita,

I would love your help. Thank you. This has been more productive than my time spent in therapy.

Reading my old diaries from the past 4 years and I was watching a dog chase its tail. Trying trying trying to figure out what was going on. Unable to see it.

My therapists of past have not been very direct with me – I can see how they were trying to help me address the problem at that time but they never explained to me what they thought was going on in direct terms. (Is that unusual?)

Projecting my own experience to yours, I would say: you will be angry at each and every man you get involved with, sooner than later. Some of the men will be jerks but you will be angry at the good ones as well, and no less. Every single man will become the enemy, sooner than later.

This made me really sad.
Because my feelings of anger are so intense, I cannot tell who is a decent guy and who is not. Because my anger creates a victim mentality and a sense of entitlement, talking to my friends has only reinforced my sense of entitlement. They only get one half of the story. I think this is why that self-help rubbish has been destructive: a lot of it is quite angry. (“Forget about him he’s an asshole, love yourself!”) This has fanned the flames.

It is because your feeling “unloved and unappreciated” will be activated quickly in each and every beginning relationship, and then “as soon as those feelings kick in it triggers a cycle of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that are extremely difficult to stop”, your words.

I am hopeful that now I am more aware I will be able to talk about it and mitigate the worst aspects of this.

Now seen, cannot unsee.

I am really hoping I do not have to go through multiple more heartbreaks and breakups before I have a stable relationship. I am so lonely and have been for so long already. Really suffering with it over here.

-Feathering