Dear Anita

I’ve had a busy couple of days. Busy at work, a lot going on emotionally. I felt overwhelmed with guilt and couldn’t stop crying. Today is the first day I haven’t felt like breaking down and crying. I’ve had talks with my boyfriend some that ended in him wanting it to be over, others where he wanted me to show him I really love him and some in between.

Yesterday we we had a ‘good’ night in the sense that we connected and we’re close physically and it felt as if some anger had shifted. Today I receive angry or short text messages from him where he calls me a slut. I am not sure if it’s completelt correct but am drawn to you statement of ‘him wanting impulsivity but discouraging it at the same time’.

He said he wants me to be impulsive and open also in sexual ways which he felt had been missing. Which I really want to try and I think he’s so handsome and attractive but I’ve kind of switched of this feeling. He is hurt by my betrayal of course which is completely natural and he’s 100% right I feel so guilty and truly regret it. But he’s also hurt by the fact that I’ve showed this very thing he never got from me and craved to strangers. This impulsivity and spontaneity that made him fell in love with me but slowly disappeared.

I feel guilty and acted harshly or quiet angry/frustrated to him and now I try to act more calm and less defensive because he’s hurt and I did this, I want to make it right. I try to kiss him even though I’m afraid he won’t let me because that’s what he wants and I actually now he wants me to show him I truly love and desire him. But him calling me slutty and a whore and him not wanting to be with someone slutty makes me feel small again and makes me hold back. I don’t want to take it too personal in the way that he’s angry and hurt right now and his words maybe aren’t what he really wants to say right now. But it isn’t the first time he has said this. I understand him saying it in the light of my betrayal and sexual missteps (understatement but don’t know how to put it). But he is also saying it about previous sexual encounters I have had when we weren’t together so I feel as if he really thinks that way. He wants me to be one way but than discourages it with others but that just makes me defensive and small and make me act in a different way with him. Kind of hide this side of me. I don’t know what I can add, just wanted to share this feeling with you.

thqnk you for listening. Thank you, John for your kind words