Well, I know for certain now. She is done. She feels like nothing is ever going to change and she wants out now before we hate each other. To say I am gutted is an understatement, but honestly, I feel relieved. Yes, this sucks, and yes, I loathe having to tell my children that mom and dad are done, but honestly I just feel like after a month in this holding pattern, I feel like a weight has been lifted.

I am wondering how much of that is my intent to change, and our intent to co-habitate for at least a little while. Like the last shred of hope that I will change like she thinks I won’t, and magically we will fall back in love. But even that, I now feel, is such a long shot that it doesn’t matter anymore. It isn’t my goal anymore. It might end up being a happy side effect of my goal, which is dealing with all of this stuff, but if not, I know at the other side I will be happy again one day. It feels so far off, and honestly I am wrestling with feelings and thoughts of self harm because of it, but it just doesn’t feel the same anymore. The depression has lifted a little it almost seems because for the first time in a long time, I have certainty on my side. I am certain I am changing for the better. I am certain that my overwhelming obsession is no longer placating my wife. I am certain that some day, I will be a better man for someone else likely. But that is 15 years of my life gone. I would do it all over again in a second because it gave me my babies. But what do I do now that the best years of my life were taken from me by someone who sees it getting tough and wants to throw in the towel?

Part of me also thinks that she thinks I will be there waiting like an obedient hound at the end of her own soul searching. I have been before, as I said, this isn’t her first foray into “I think we should split up”. And both times, I was there eagerly awaiting her return. But I told her in no uncertain terms that this would not be the case this time, that I was finished being told I wasn’t good enough for her every few years. That this would be the last time no matter how it all worked out. And I meant it. I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to damage someone else, but there is a girl I have known since high school that has been sort of sniffing around since the separation talk was had, and she is the one that got away for me. It seems she sort of feels the same way.

But I don’t think it would be fair to my soon to be exwife, my children, or this woman to thrust myself into a new relationship so soon. I am starting to understand that I might be sort of addicted to being loved and needed, and when I wasn’t feeling that from my wife this past month it was like torture. But now that I am free to pursue my own happiness by any means, I feel better. But a “rebound” is just a terrible idea I think. I don’t know. My soon to be ex also still wants to sleep together which I feel is odd. I am not sure how I feel about that now. I feel it might give either one of us hope that the other is coming back, and right now I don’t really want that.

Anyways, you guys have been invaluable in this process. I am seriously uncertain if I would have made it through all of this unscathed if I didn’t have you all to bounce ideas off of and vent to. With my exwife’s past indiscretions, I have distanced myself from any real life friends, so it was hard to find anyone to talk to about this, and my best friend, my ex, was obviously not available. So thank you so much for this.