Shelby,

See, the difference is your heart and gut told you to go back. My heart is, but my gut isn’t. But then again, that could be the fear of being hurt again hanging over me. I realise that I have become a very closed and fearful person and I believe I would feel the same with anyone else as I do with him now.

I suppose you’re right in saying I have survived and if worst comes to worst I will have no choice but to survive once again. I do believe that the other thing holding me on to him is the fact that the two of us went through this traumatic experience over the summer. He’s the only person who truly understands, the only person who knows the ins and outs of everything and perhaps that is another reason why I am holding on as when the dark times come I feel like I need him to help me get through, because of the connection. I do feel in some crazy irrational way that he is supposed to be a part of my healing process so that I can truly get past this, even if it is from a slight distance.

We have spoken briefly in the past couple of weeks about the future. Nothing has changed on his end. His plan of a mortgage later in life is still very much in place as is his lack of compromise – and yet here I am ready to dive into this again!

You are an extremely strong woman. You have been doing amazing. It is absolutely normal to want to get in touch with your ex but the fact that you haven’t caved into that need often is incredible! Much stronger than me! I do believe the idea of a happy ending with him despite knowing the reasons why it wont work is what is holding you in this phase. Our ex’s share some of the same qualities and I know I almost questioned whether I really wanted all of those things? Whether they’re absolutely necessary for my happiness? Or is being with him greater than all that? Why cant I just wait? Why cant I just take a leap of faith and believe that he will pull his weight eventually?

It sounds crazy and irrational, I know. Talk about a complete lack of self love right?!

I’m glad you have managed to make plans for the evening! I am anticipating that I will be in a bad way after my appointment so I am somewhat mentally preparing myself for that. I sure will be in touch to let you know how it goes!