I just read Khasxo’s post.  that’s crazy how much That sounds like me.  Seriously.  One day texting with my ex and BAM!  back on it again, feeling alive again.

I wonder about these people as well.  It was an addiction, still is.  I do wish a lot that I would of never met her.  She turned my life upside down.   I feel like she brought out so much good in me that i didn’t know was there.  I know that it was all me.  I was the one that got motivated and positive about life.  She just influenced it.  But knowing it and feeling it are two different things.

I feel like i’ve tried everything i can to “move on”.  I’ve tried the “mud balls”, i’ve tried taking her off that pedestal and thinking of all the things she did that hurt me and made me feel second.  I think of how it did feel at the end that she judged me and i felt like I had to change who i was.  I try thinking of what I  have now and how much love is there for me, just waiting for me to embrace it.

It feels like no matter what I do, I end up back in this depression.  this wondering.  yes, this fantasy i’m in.  I even think, its not over,  she will come around sooner or later.  I just have to wait and be patient.  Even though I know that that’s all BS.  I still get those thoughts.   I hate myself for that.  I hate that it feels like every little thing I do, see, hear, whatever reminds me of her.

I just wish I could be happy for what we did have and then be happy for what i have now.  I just feel empty though.

“how long  has she been The One, for you?”

Honestly, since i first met her.  We physically met Nov. 7, 2016.  within a week, I knew.  I don’t know how she felt, but for me.  I knew.  I felt it so deep in my heart and bones it’s stupid.  Thinking back, i started getting needy even then.  I even told her then, I don’t understand why i’m being like this. I’ve never been like this.  It was like from the time we met, I couldn’t get enough of her.

That’s part of the reason i have a hard time forgiving myself.  It’s like i knew i was being that way, and I know from experience how that gets old and burdening to someone.  And I couldn’t stop.  I would even tell myself, I was going to chill and be cool, then before I knew what was happening, i was being like that again.  it was like i was on the outside looking in and watching myself do these things, saying things to make her feel guilty, playing the victim and i still couldn’t stop.  I hate it that i was like that.  It drives me insane.  I’ve never been like that before.  Never.