Dear Anita

At first I was stressed about Chemistry II- both the lecture and lab. My lab professor has added some of the lab report grades that I have completed and it has brought my Chemistry II lab grade up to a 91 so I’m glad. I only have 3 more lab experiments before winter break which is December 21st-January 22. The Spring 2019 semester starts January 23rd. I am applying for graduation for the Spring 2019 semester because I have enough credits at my college. After I graduate, I will need another Physics course to complete my requirements to transfer to Rutgers School of Engineering. I will be taking Physics 2 in the summer so I will have some days on campus where I can get support and after finishing that course hopefully I’ll have enough credits for an engineering program at Rutgers. I am quite excited and hoping for the best. I spoke with my college advisor today and she said I should check with Rutgers to see if I can take the Physics course at the university and just transfer my transcripts there so I can start up in the Fall 2019. I called Rutgers and haven’t had a response from them about whether Physics is required to transfer for engineering majors, so I’ll call back later, the admissions may have been busy. It’s going to be a busy next few weeks, but this semester has been quite busy. But it’s also rewarding because I am glad of the hard work that I’m putting in and have hope that I can bring my Chemistry II grade to a B for this semester. My lab partner and I have started to have open communication over the past weeks. It started when he complimented me on my data collection and chemistry calculation skills and I complimented him on his ability to perform the experiments well. It was good to know from each other that both of us had something we valued in the other. This lead to me helping him understand the chemistry data and him helping me with understanding experimental lab equipment and it made us both feel like we were involved in a collaborative effort. Since I was good with the data, I would check over the calculations and the experimental measurements and procedure and he would work on the experiment.  The combination of one person doing the experiment and the other checking it made us both learn and it saved time because if a mistake was caught early it could be fixed so we wouldn’t have to do the trial over. There are still small errors in our experiments, but we’ve both accepted that people make mistakes and if the work is good at least 80% of the time, it’s okay. So I haven’t seen the guy who sexually assaulted me in middle school around. I have been in other places on campus during the time of 11am-12pm which is when I see him the most. During those times, I will study in another building rather than building 8 (student center) or building 3 (library) so I don’t run into him. I think he has classes from 12:30pm-3:15pm which is the same time I have classes, so if I don’t have class on a certain day and it’s in this time range I don’t see him. The reason I believe this is that I always run into him at the library or student center from 11am-12pm and he hangs out there when he doesn’t have class. I use the library to study, so if I am in the library at 11am I will go into a private study room upstairs where I can be alone. Last Friday (I don’t have classes Fridays and use the day to get work done), I was in a study room upstairs at 11am and I didn’t run into him.  This Friday, there are a lot of people working on catching up for their classes before the semester ends. There are some people who are picking Spring 2019 classes, which the registration just opened this Tuesday. I have picked my Spring 2019 classes and am excited about them. The good thing is that with a lot of people around in the library, I don’t see him because he usually comes around when there aren’t that much people around. So at 11am today, I was finishing some chemistry II work and didn’t run into him. Also I am glad that i got an 86 on the Chemistry quiz, it’s the first quiz grade that has been good so I am improving. I hope I do well on the chemistry II exam this Monday. I have been reviewing sections of the Chemistry II book and have developed better understanding of the chapters for the exam, but there’s still more practice to be done, but I think I will do relatively well on the exam. Anatomy and Physiology is a lot of fun this semester. I don’t remember all the facial bones, but I have a good grasp of the 206 bones and over 600 muscles in the body and I understand how each structure fits with the other. It is amazing to learn about the human body because it helps me better understand my biological nature and I find myself fascinated at how the body has various ways of maintaining homeostasis. It makes me feel a sense of gratitude at how hard my body works to keep me alive and I realize that I am a unique being. This interest in Anatomy and Physiology allows me to do well in the class as well lessens my inner critic because I can argue with the inner critic when it says I’m not good at anything because that is untrue. I still have dysphoria that will always be there until I transition, but I feel like I can take little steps each day to get me towards my goal. I can do well in school, get a good career as a genetic engineer and then transition. I hope to have my dreams accomplished by age 40. Lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t give my time to my friends as much and I feel slightly guilty. I want to be there for my friends, but I also have lots of things like college graduation and transfer, education that will help me get a good career, seeking resources to transition and spirituality.  I make a habit to meditate every morning and night when I wake and before going to sleep and that helps me feel more relaxed and alert throughout the day. I have lots of things to think about since it’s only two semester before I graduate but when my friends say I’m not spending as much time with them I feel bad. I do make time for my friends when they need help with school work, cheering up and also to hang out. But I can’t always devote 3 hours every day to a friend because I need time for my studies. I feel selfish that I’m not spending as much time with friends and sometimes my friends tell me I say that I’m busy and can only hang out for a certain amount of hours that I’m not being a good friend. Sometimes in my mind, I feel like some of my friends seem to be needy of friendship. For example, I tell my friend that I spend the first 3 hours doing school work and then I’ll hang out for 2 hours and I’ll have to go home early because I have to study for an exam and they will think that i don’t put enough time in my schedule for them. some friends say i just squeeze them into my schedule when it feels convenient, but that’s not the case. there are times when a friend will struggle in life and need someone to be there and regardless of my schedule i will find time for them. I can’t always hang out with friends during the times they are available, but i will make time for them. Sometimes I feel like my friends try to rush me to help them with something. I will tell them that I have a specific time in my schedule that I can spend on that task and I will make sure it gets done, but they feel like the specific time in my schedule is not enough or too far away for them so they try to take me away from my priorities so I can help them with theirs or hang out with them. And this makes me feel strained because I have less time for my priorities because I’m helping them out with theirs. So the questions are: How do I stop my friends from taking my time away from my priorities without feeling guilty? How do I figure out how to manage a schedule that works for both me and my friends? How do I know which priorities are important to get myself involved in? How do I assure my friends that I do appreciate their priorities and I have a set time that I will get to them and reassure them that I will help them?

one of my friends wants me to help her set up a site that teaches people wicca and i enjoy it, but I’ve only been able to give her advice on and off for some days in november because of school work. mondays and wednesdays are quite busy for me with three classes and i get home late. the rest of the days of the week,  i’m working on school work and i try to make time for the site, but i haven’t been contributing much lately because i’ve been busy and i feel guilty. i feel like i have some responsibility in the site because i encouraged her to make it and said i would help. she has done more for the site than i have. she created most the site while i have just been giving her advice on the content to post on the site (which she takes my advice and puts the content on the site). sometimes i feel like i’m not collaborating enough with my friends.  Other questions: How do i know I’m not taking on more than I can handle? If I just made a friend and decide to wait until I get to know them better before telling them my gender identity and they find out from one of their friends and question me about it and say I’m being a disloyal friend, what do I do? I made a new friend who didn’t know I identified as a transgender male and I wasn’t comfortable telling him because I had only met him, but he found out from one of his friends so now he is saying that I am a selfish friend for not telling him something this important. And I have said to him that I wanted to get to know him better before telling him it because things like this are a big deal. And he has said that I don’t act like it’s a big deal because I seem to be nonchalant most of the time. And I say that sometimes appearances of calm aren’t always true and it seems like there’s a argument going on between both of us and he says I didn’t trust him enough to tell him this. He even said “Do you think I’m that prejudiced of a person that i would judge you for your gender identity? You’re fine being who you are.” And now I don’t know what to say.

Thank you so much Anita! It’s great having a friend like you to talk to. I don’t post frequently because I’m busy with school work, but i always think of how grateful i am to have people who care about me. when my inner critic is being irritating, there is a light in my life and i feel some warmth knowing that i have people i can talk to. thank you for being here for me, Anita. You are an amazing person and I am glad you are in my life. Hope you have a good Thanksgiving!