Heya Anita,

Yes- I see your point.

Where then, should I direct my energy?

I live with my parents – there is a massive crisis in my city with housing, rent has gone up more than anywhere else in the UK. I was evicted from my rented home when the rent became unaffordable. Living with my parents is uncomfortable as I have to confront the problematic behaviors on a regular basis.

When I was a kid my dad was the scary and imposing one. But my mum did nothing to defend us, even though she disagreed with his actions. We talked a little on Friday (in relation to some problems she was having with my sister) and my mother was totally unaware of the impact that her silence had on us. I said we felt undefended, and that her silence was seen as supporting the actions of our father – we had nobody else left to turn to.
She said: “But that wasn’t what was going on behind closed doors.”  (As if we were somehow to know!)
I could not believe that I needed to explain the ‘Why’ of this to a woman in her late 50’s.

What is more she enables my sister’s abusive behavior by welcoming her back each time sister returns and tries to press the ‘reset’ button after a bout of abuse. She said “I would rather be on good terms with her than when she is being abusive.” But she cannot understand how she enables the abuse. I find this attitude very frustrating.

Indeed: frustrating is the way I feel about my relationship with my mother overall. We have very different temperaments: I have a zest for life and new experiences. She is insular, afraid of challenges, lacking in confidence, very negative about everything. My sister switches between ardently defending her and bullying her.

I used to wish I could turn to my mum for advice and support in relationships but now I can see that this is not a wise thing to do.

-Feathering