Dear Anita,
thank you, you are 100% right! I had already thought the exact same. But I also had left something out: I did not only tell him he needed to be alone, I also told him that this (with his ex) won’t work out, because it did not in the past and that he should not have met up with her. I think this strong criticism gave him the feeling I would not accept his suffering and tried to change him. Attempts like this are lovekillers. But I had such strong feelings of fear and anger.
But at the same time, you must be right, that the overall problem is the unavailability of his own heart and that everything else is a cascade of micro symptoms that I am drown into. Otherwise he would have coped with me being angry and had not used it to label me as overly rational and distant. (He told me I was mixing rationality in our discussion and blamed my culture again. At the same time – why is it so bad to react rationally?)
He was trying to get something (love, a relationship) whilst not being willing to let go his attachment. His former relationship might have suffered from his depression related behavior as well and maybe it was also more of his fault that it ended. That gives him less of a reason to let it go. I think the women in his life would be better off if he made a decision between trying his old relationship again or letting go. But my impression is, this is a “too rational” behavior for him, he want’s “to feel” the impulse.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 