Dear Anita,

While I assume that you mean well, it is important for me to tell you that your last message hurt me.

I said your message hurt me: the truth is it uncovered that hurt part of myself – that part which my angry side protects. Sadly, that side of me wishes I were dead. I spent much of today having fantasies of either blowing my brains out with drugs so I didn’t have to feel this way anymore, only to remind myself that when I sobered up I would have to face it again. Fantasies of slitting by wrists and bleeding to death flitted in and out of my mind afterwards. I’ve been aware of this side to myself and had issues with drugs and self harm in the past.

If it is ‘convenient thinking’ that prevents people from killing themselves, cutting themselves, sliding into drug addictions: then sure as hell I will take it.

You ought to be more careful with your words. Many people on here trust you with their most delicate feelings.

Now I will explain why I think your comment is problematic-

You create a false dichotomy: there could be many reasons why he might not reply or read my message. It isn’t reducible to either/or of two options – one of which is ‘you are not important to him’. This situation with Mr. is complicated as there has been a loss of trust on both sides. Sure, it doesn’t mean anything will go anywhere. But it does not follow that he doesn’t care about me full stop. Recently I avoided whatsapp out of my own issues with anxiety and not because the people I ignored were unimportant, or because I wanted to make them suffer.

What I am saying here is that such black and white thinking dismisses the complexities of our inner lives and cannot be reduced to either/or. Black and white reductionist thinking is terribly unhealthy.

Indeed: what a thing to say to someone with issues of anger tied into rejection: He either doesn’t care at all or he’s punishing you! (And then advising me to respond ‘without anger’.) You may as well poke an angry tiger with a stick, claim you’re giving it a healthy dose of the truth and advising it responds without anger.

It is interesting that you create extremes cases of the two positions. It is reminiscent of your claim that “I was not loved” by my parents as a child. Sure they fucked up on plenty of counts, but I still think they loved me. I know they love me now, even if I get on their nerves and they get on mine.

So, trusting that you mean well, I have to ask you:
What benefit do you feel there is to cultivating this kind of brutal negativity?

Yours,
Feathering