Kkasxo,

Today was my final presentation of the three I had to do. It went okay I think and I’m glad I did it and they’re over, but I cried the whole way home. I woke up with a deep sadness today and a sense of being lost and empty, which seemed to be worse after the presentation was over. I almost texted him this evening to act like we were, like it’s totally cool to just pick up the phone and contact him like I always used to!!!

I really can’t figure this out, people telling me it will take time etc. My feelings have not changed one bit since 10 weeks ago. So basically, what’s the method here? Anyone heartbroken recoveree out there that can guide through the process? So is it a case of you have an overwhelming need to contact them and talk to them but you just resist and resist and resist and it goes away? Or is this not particularly usual in these scenarios? It’s so hard to figure out the right thing to do right now. My head says move on and forget as much as possible, my heart says run to him, even if it means more pain.

It’s funny, I don’t know if I want time to move forward. I hate this time of year, and am much looking forward to the spring, but in another way, the future looks so bleak for me, that I’m in no rush to be alone without him, which is where I am already, but it’s weird complicated craziness on my part!!

Also, can you believe the words out of your mouth – or keyboard –  all the positive things you plan to do for YOU next year. That’s monumental. To even have the self=awareness at this stage, after all you’ve been through to have such a positive outlook. You’re doing amazing and I hope therapy is helping and not draining you too much.

Christmas with your family will be great, being around family is a major blanket for me at the moment. I genuinely would be lost without them, especially my sister and her husband and toddler and my Dad. But they want me to feel better and happier – for my sake – and I’m trying, but nothing is budging much.

Victoria, how are you? Good luck with the job interview. Is there a counselling service attached to your college? There used to be a free service when I was in college for students having a tough time.