Shelby,

Firstly, well done on completing all of your presentations! You are one amazing lady! (I personally couldn’t have done it!) & don’t worry too much about the crying part after, it’s probably you just releasing all of your emotions! The build up to these presentations along with not being able to share it with the ex, it’s a lot. Give yourself a pat on the back. You did it, you survived, you’re amazing!

You’re absolutely right, it is extremely difficult to figure out the right thing to do, it is. No matter how much advice people give there isn’t a guideline for these things. Heartbreak is such a personal and deeply hurtful experience I think everyone goes through their own motions. I know it’s much easier said than done but try to not focus so much on the tomorrow and instead focus on the here and now. What can I do right this moment to make me feel a little tad brighter? It can be anything from listening to a favourite song, eating a type of food you like, whatever it may be. Those little moments will eventually fill your days with things that make you feel better. Also, distraction distraction distraction. This is something I covered in my therapy session today. I realised my body is got such a god damn good coping mechanism – barriers & distraction. It’s just a shame that when the reality catches up with me it breaks me into tiny pieces every time.

I feel absolutely worn this evening. My therapy sessions are located 5 mins away from my ex’s house (I know what a shitty place). He suggested that as it will be a emotional day for me for me to come and stay the night. I accepted of course, welcomed the comfort how could I not (absolute fool). So after my therapy session, feeling worn and emotionally drained I arrived at his house and his house seemed to have been full of people. His brothers wife, her two kids and his sister (who I no longer wish to have any kind of relations with following the traumatic event over the summer), baring in mind I haven’t seen her since. So he suggested that we go and do some shopping while they finish up dinner and leave. Again, like the ‘good little girl’ that I am I agreed and off we went. We were wandering around for about 2 hours upon which I said I will just drop him home and make my way back home myself because I’m tired and drained and i can’t be bothered to play the hiding games. No he insisted that I come in. He went indoors to check if everyone had left but his sister was still there (I was waiting in the car, really hoping to avoid seeing her as it would all be too much for me). He then sent me a text from indoors saying okay just come in, let’s not make this awkward blah blah blah. Then his brother arrived, again, someone I haven’t seen in months and approached me. I almost felt smothered in pity sitting in my car too awkward to go inside. This whole time all I wanted for him to do is to come outside and be by my side as we walk in.. no he remained indoors sending me text after text ‘are you coming?! Cmon!!! It’s getting awkward now that you’re leaving it this long’

The stress of everything got so overwhelming I actually started having a panic attack in my car, shaking and crying and I left. I just drove off.

I wanted to go inside. But I wanted him next to me, standing his ground, ‘she is here whether you like it or not’ (me & his sister will never get on again). Rather than hiding around, driving around shopping to avoid all interaction.

I’m so tired Shelby. Honestly, every little aspect of anything right now is a constant reiteration of why this will never work. Please, I need some kind of arrow to struck me or something to just give me the strength to stop trying. Too much has happened. I can’t wven face his family members who are oh so important to him and he will never ever set boundaries between that. He’ll never stand by me how I need him to. And to top it off I feel even worse now because I feel his sister has the absolute upper hand. She knew I was supposed to be coming in and I drove home instead. She’s probably thinking yes! She’s scared of me! Or I’ve intimidated her!

Im sorry for rambling on. I could be blowing things out of proportion & completely over exxagerated throughout the situation but it just got too much for me, fight or flight and all that!

I feel tiny..