Dear Lisa:

I re-read the first 2-3 pages of  your thread that started May 1, 2017 and  would like to offer  you my current understanding. First thing I need to bring  up to you is this: I know that you are very sensitive to anything looks or sounds like criticism. I am very interested in not criticizing you at all. I will be focusing on not criticizing you every part of the way. Unfortunately you will probably feel criticized by me anyway, but I will make sure to communicate to you from my  end with no criticism. , I figure, even if you feel criticized and reject what I will write to you, this is okay with me because at the least, maybe you will appreciate my ongoing attention to you, the many hours I spent trying  to communicate and understand you, over a period of 20 months at this point.

In my effort to  communicate no criticism to you, I will start with the following:

I have  been a very anxious child and  adult. I have suffered from severe OCD and severe vocal and motor tics (Tourette Syndrome) in my childhood and adolescence. I used to think that there was something wrong with me  from birth but I learned that there was nothing wrong with me, that my severe anxiety and diagnoses were a result of being severely injured emotionally as  a young  child and throughout those Formative Years of my  childhood. The anxiety and its symptoms were  formed  in me: I didn’t  choose anxiety and I didn’t choose its symptoms.

Therefore when I talk about your severe anxiety and  your symptoms I believe the same  as I believe about myself: there  was nothing  wrong with you. The severe anxiety and its symptoms were formed in you during  a childhood in which you were  injured repeatedly, and severely.

Another thing, I had a series of … disconnected, unstable, short, non-ongoing interactions with men, but I did  not have a romantic/ love relationship with another until I was older than you are now.

And now I will put to you my understanding in the simplest, most straight forward way I can but add at quotes from your writing pages 1-3:

1. You have been severely anxious from a very early age: “I remember all through childhood I had to take a pill everyday supposedly to calm me down… I am always in survival mode with little bursts of ambitious that fizzle out and  then  I just remain in survival mode… I obsess a lot and constantly wash my hands. My obsessions for example was  worrying that if I didn’t pick the right cup something bad was  going  to happen. I also thought I could prevent bad things from happening by whatever shirt I put on that day. I have  tortured myself over that nearly my whole life. Those are just examples of my OCD”.

2. You quit high school grade 9, worked many low paying, physically demanding jobs, moved around  a lot, sharing apartments with younger roommates, renting rooms,  starting and  quitting post GED education, not pursuing employment in the one educational endeavor that you did complete, interior design, and then, not having experience a single healthy relationship with any person, all because of your severe anxiety. Not because of lack of intelligence, or good  looks, or talent, or work ethics, or ambition, but because you were terribly afraid all along.

3. You escaped your terrible home life as a child by turning inward and daydreaming, finding solace in your own world of fantasy and make  believe. You daydreamed alone in your room or in the library. In reality you lived a Cinderella kind of life before she met the  prince: “at 15 I stayed at home with my grandfather and  uncles. I didn’t go out. I had no friends. I cleaned the house, did everyone’s laundry and after a couple of years was pressured to get a job…  I missed out on dating. I missed  out on proms. I missed out on friendship… I missed out on being a teenager… I lived with my grandfather and with other men who didn’t always treat me well and I was criticized for not working after cleaning  for them”

And then when you were 23, your  grandfather died and life got even worse for you, “I left my  childhood home and I lost the one man who wanted me around”. It is similar to how Cinderella’s life became bad, when her own father died, leaving her to the mercy of her step mother and  sisters.

In your daydreams, you were pursued by a man: “I have never had a relationship. I have always longed for  one. Every day  since  I was a teen I have  imagined being in relationships… I have  prayed, wished for, read books to find my soulmate… I wanted a man to pursue me with enthusiasm… All the while I am dreaming  of myself in some alternate universe in a relationship with a man… I have even wished for a man to find me.  It’s so important that he wants me first.  Anything  less I see as failure”

4. I wrote above that you didn’t  have a healthy relationship with another person because of your severe anxiety. Now specifically why I believe you didn’t have a romantic relationship with a man: because you are so very sensitive  to  criticism, in the initial interactions you did have with men, you perceived criticism very early on and withdrew: “I can not handle an ounce  of criticism from a man or anyone else.When men criticize me now I just want  to ask ‘Why?’ ‘Why do men hate me so much?’ I want to  just leave  everything and go away”. Basically, you can’t have a relationship because you have not been able to not feel criticized: “Relationships of any kind are difficult for me unless it’s in service to someone and that someone never criticizes me”.

A relationship for you has been impossible from the beginning because in your fantasy imaginings you are not criticized by the man/Prince. But in reality, it is impossible for a man who happens to not be critical, to not be perceived by you as not critical of you.

5. You incorrectly believe that there is an evil spirit of sorts that follows you around and sets you up in situations where bad things happen to you: “it seems I have a poltergeist following me around setting me up in situations that often are distressing  for me.. trouble .. always finding me”

In reality you have  been experiencing so much distress because of the severe anxiety and its consequences: remaining single in low paying jobs that are physically  demanding and moving around a lot, living with roommates or renting a room in someone’s home. This very lifestyle, a result of your anxiety, invites troubles, such as with roommates you wouldn’t otherwise live with passed a certain age, if you had a stable  career.

6. Who is Lisa outside of fear- an artist and a writer, a lover of books and school:

“I am an artist who doesn’t draw and a writer who doesn’t  write… an artist who loved books and school… I’ve wanted to  be a journalist and a writer when I was in grade school… I’ve wanted to  be an art therapist, art teacher”

And a woman who wants  to be  seen and heard, appreciated and treated with respect and esteem, a woman who wants to be loved.

anita