Thanks for the response Anita,

You really put things in perspective for me. I needed her so bad. I still need her. I feel that most of my issues in life have to do with not having loving parents, at least ones who made me a priority because they did love me. The problem I have is I have too much empathy. I put myself in her shoes. I am currently suffering from self hate, self shame and codependency. What if she suffered from those things? What if she just didn’t know how to love me. She was a sweet and kind woman some times and would do little cute things for me but as far as a mother figure she did fail. I had no guidance, and no one to care about how I was feeling. I was clearly a depressed child and adult but she offered no life advice. But what if she just didn’t have those things to offer. I often wonder why I come up with excuses for people to hurt me. As I earlier mentioned I was sexually abused by my brother. I would say from what I remember ages 5-13. And I have kept it inside all these years. I’m just now learning to validate myself for what I went through. It was never a forceful thing it was a manipulation. And I am so angry I allowed it. I allow so much abuse in my life. I have often considered my brother and I to be close after the abuse and as an adult. He can be kind and we have both given each other great life advice. But at this point in my life I am very distant with him as I am feeling the pain of what he did to me. I am angry with myself for keeping a good relationship with him and honestly trying to “please” him and his fiance for the last 9 years. I am learning about narcissism since my break up and I truly believe my brother and his woman are both narcissistic. I am so fed up with abuse. I realize how much I put up with in my own relationship with my ex. I was so devastated after the break up but when I look back he isn’t acting any different than what he did in the relationship. I always had to apologize and I was always trying to be perfect and up to his standards and after finding out he was cheated I finally stood up for myself and left. But when I stand up for myself with these people my mind plays games with me and I start finding ways to empathize for what they did to me. And I almost wish they were back in my life. It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not.