Kkasxo,

I’ve given a lot of consideration to what you said. I do think about having a conversation with him, there are so many things I want to get off my chest, but if I’m honest, deep down it’s obviously a need to change the outcome. That’s something that is highly unlikely to happen, especially by more or less telling him what a mess I am! Begging (albeit not directly) is not a good look! It’s all so confusing, my biggest concern is that I don’t want to feel worse and whenever it comes close to the time I think I will contact him, I let the moment pass because I’m scared. I don’t know if it’s the right or wrong decision.

Reality can be a cold splash in the face. I used to love weekends spent with my ex, so comforting and special and each time I would say in my mind ‘Look how good it is now’, but inevitably reality kicked in and I started to think that we still didn’t live together and we still had no plans for the future and it began to eat away at me and I’d constantly text or call my sister to complain that I just wanted him to move faster and be where I am. And then the cycle would start again and we’d do something fun and joyous and I’d love being with him again and I’d get ahead of myself and then I’d be halted in my tracks again when reality set in. Frustrating! Why does life have to be so complicated.

Are you going away for the Christmas? Is it far to your family’s home?