Today my head is all over the place. I planned to contact him and arrange a meet up but every time I think of doing it, fear takes over and I bail out.

I sent a bday message to his sister, given that she messaged me last wk and she sent back a pic of celebrating with her niece. Her other brother was with her and I then I wondered had my ex headed over for some winter sun to celebrate with her too and then now I feel dreadfully sad.

I realise I have been keeping hope alive and I don’t know how to kill it. I can’t imagine him doing things that I don’t know about or am involved in. If I did meet up with him, I wouldn’t be begging to reunite but I still want to talk to him.

It’s been three months and almost all my thoughts are of him. I’ve been trying to think more lately of all the times he let me down or I didn’t get enough from him to try and offset the Rose-tinted glasses but not really working.

I don’t know how to be happy in a life that doesn’t involve him. Sad an all as that might sound.