I’m glad that you talked to her about counseling. I think a lot of people don’t really understand what counseling is or what it’s like. Convincing her to make it work won’t actually change anything and the counselor will know that, so they’re much more likely to just help you two to communicate better and find the things that will help reignite the spark/love, which would make both of you happier. It’s good that you took the time to reflect on her response, too, rather than just being upset about it.  Lots of times people feel the way they are feeling for what they think are good reasons, when they really might not fully understand something, so another conversation about how counseling is beneficial might help. Even if she just commits to going maybe 2 or 3 times (because the first time will be an initial intake and not true counseling) and can get a feel for what it would be like. Tell her she can literally tell the counselor that she does not want to be convinced to make it work. The counselor wants to hear exactly what she’s thinking and feeling. Then she might feel more comfortable with the idea.

You might also need to ease into the charmingness/flirtiness because it MIGHT feel a little fake to her if it was sort of an abrupt change or if she isn’t used to you doing that anymore. It’s sort of something that gradually needs to be worked up to as she responds more.  I have an ex-boyfriend from 15 years ago that has sort of been seemingly trying to win me back because he flirts in that way, tries to be playful like we used to be (we’re still friends), and it just feels super weird to me. haha. So I get how that might make her feel.  The date nights are good though, especially if there is anything you know she loves to do in particular. Do those things… or things you two haven’t tried yet but maybe always wanted to. Fun, new experiences help people to grow closer. I’m a little surprised she declined a vacation but she may not be ready for that if she’s feeling really distant, so just plan little fun things, not too overboard and no grand gestures because that can make it seem like you’re trying TOO hard… just do the little things. Those are the ones that count, especially the little things she likes.  Like maybe instead of flowers, if you know she has a favorite food from a restaurant or snack or dessert, pick that up for her and surprise her with it (but make sure she hasn’t already made dinner. haha). Things like that. If you notice anything you could do that would make her day easier (like the dishes or something), do that. Those are the things she will appreciate, and appreciation leads to all sorts of good feelings.

I totally understand why you feel like you’re wearing thin, going through all of this, but hang in there. You guys have a chance to turn things around, but it’s not going to happen immediately. You have to rebuild brick by brick, so that’s also why any abrupt changes (or any that FEEL abrupt to her) or grand gestures are going to feel forced or fake. Just pay attention to the little things, do the little things, plan the little dates, and eventually you can work up to the big things and the flirting and all of that but not until she starts responding more to it. You know what I mean?

Otherwise, your short-term goals sound great. She’s probably tired of that conversation altogether and it just reminds her of how she’s feeling right now, which will reinforce that feeling.  If she can talk to someone else about everything, she will likely feel a lot better, but in the meantime, just keep working on you and do little things for her that she’ll appreciate. Think positive and keep your outlook focused in a positive direction. I agree with having a conversation with her about owing it to yourself and the kids but maybe wait a little bit if she’s already tired of talking about it. Give her a breather and maybe she can be headed into a more positive space with her feelings towards you before you have that conversation, especially if she hasn’t totally given up yet. You have a little time before that conversation needs to happen.

Good luck! I have lots of hope for you guys. I believe things can get much better for both of you, it’s just going to take some time and can’t be rushed.