Dear meyerjg:

I don’t think you should stop your efforts to save your marriage,  only that you should  stop the efforts that haven’t worked and are not likely to work. My thought was that after figuring out what doesn’t  work,  you can figure out what may work. I didn’t consider what may work because I don’t have enough information.

These are the efforts on your part that did not work:

1. Expressing to her the progress you make in your individual therapy: “I’m hoping that working through my own problems and getting more  of ‘myself’ back will reinvigorate my wife’s feelings for me. So far, they haven’t”- you stated it didn’t work and you added that “she’s dismissive of quite literally everything I excel at or am practiced at”.

2. Suggesting to her and encouraging  her to attend individual therapy for her and  marriage counseling for the two of you: “On the  topic of marriage counseling and therapy (for her), I have suggested both”. Her response: “the idea is met with a lot of resistance. Especially couples counseling…she feels like they just going to ‘convince her to make it work”.

3.  Dates,  flowers and such: “I had started down the path of  trying  to ‘win her back’ with a return to how we used to be. I set up a few date nights, bought  flowers, tried to be charming/flirty… setting up a pressure-free vacation for us”. Her response: “she actually gets irritated with it… she declined, and said she didn’t want to go with me”.

Now, let’s look at what she told you: she mentioned  “being happier  alone”, that “she wants  to find somebody who really knows her (she feels that I don’t)”, and she doesn’t want  to attend  marriage counseling because “they’re just going to ‘convince her to make it work'”-

she thinks that she will be happier without you; she wants to find somebody who will really know her,  and that somebody is not you, and that she doesn’t want a counselor to talk to her into making the  marriage work.

You wrote in your post to me: “BUT I think that it seems like she’s primarily confused and scared  of being unhappy”. From what you shared she is quite clear, not confused. But maybe she told  you other things, contradictory things,  that you didn’t share here that leads you to believe she is confused. Did she?

I mentioned “based on my understanding” earlier so to communicate to you that this is my personal understanding, that I know it is not the absolute, objective truth. My understanding often develops with time, throughout ongoing communication with members here, sometimes I am wrong and I correct myself. I learn and  this is my point: I like learning and encourage you to learn. This is why I suggest that you learn what doesn’t work and find out what may work.

anita