Hi Anita,

Certainly, that is absolutely good advice. One of the books I had read discussed that when something doesn’t work, we often have a tendency to do more of the same, only more intensely. I’ve tried to keep that in mind. It’s difficult to know when you’re facing a dead-end and when persistence is necessary. For example, I think encouraging her to speak with somebody else (a friend, a therapist, a couples counselor) demands persistence because she is reluctant but would benefit immensely. The goal in that instance isn’t to save our relationship; the real desire is to for her to sort through and understand her feelings, regardless of their impact on our marriage. So I don’t think that’s an effort worth abandoning entirely.

But yes I definitely agree that a new approach is required. And maybe that approach is to back off a bit. I don’t know. This is hard.

Also, yes, she has expressed that she’s confused. When I said that she said she thinks she will be happier, what I should have said is that she thinks that she might be happier. There are a whole lot of “I just don’t know” statements that come up in our conversations.

She’s clear in what she wants, but unclear on how to achieve it, whether it’s something that we can achieve together, and whether she can get over the pain she’s been through and feel the same way about me/us. Well, she’s either confused and truly doesn’t know, which is what she says, or she has made up her mind and is afraid to admit it to me and/or herself, which she said is not the case.

Thanks again for the advice. It’s definitely something good to keep in mind, because what I have been trying up to this point hasn’t been working in all of the ways I want it to.