@anita

Im probably going to see a new therapist this week , to see if the former one was good or he was just the first one .

Me and my girlfriend dont believe in taking a break , we see it as a problem we need to pass together in order for us to grow up as a couple and for me as a person , if wed have to take a break everytime im getting doubts then it surely wont work i guess ?

Nothing is really wrong with our relationship ,because of the whole situation i had some thoughts about wheter the relationship is what causes it and thought about alternatives and that me made more stressed , we communicate very well , we see eachothers quirks and accept them , we got the same humor ( Even though recently i focus mostly on the tight throat and weakness so its hard to laugh from anything) and we have the same plans for the future , everything should be great !

One thing i noticed this weekend is that whenever i dont have that tight throat and weakness , i instantly recognize that and think about where did it go and whatever , its like im “searching for it” all the time , and ofcourse it comes back .

Id say nothing is actually wrong with our relationship but me ? we were sitting in bed today and things were going fine , casually cuddling and laughing on instagram or whatever and i felt my throat , i just tried to avoid thinking about it , and after like 30 minutes my mind wondered to a thought about what will happen if we broke up and suddenly the throat feeling transformed into a “almost puke” coughing and then she asked me what was i thinking right now (knowing most of the times this happens is when i think about something bad) so i asked her “what if everything goes great with all the rest but the tight throat stays when im with you ?” which is a thought i had this past few days and she told me “Then maybe its not meant to be” and i felt like i took a kick in the stomach, she obviously told me she didnt believe in that , and i shouldnt too , but i took it pretty hard and it was like a wake up call , atleast thats what im thinking , to show me that i do love her , im just so terrified of the worst possibility happening that i cant calm my mind down

Its not like im stressed all the day , but im having the tight throat most of the day , and i can tell that when i look at her my mind instantly looks for that feeling ,and if its gone then i look for that feeling in the back , and its like a cycle that always brings that feeling and fear back , and ofcourse it will ! i keep searching for it , and i really try to break the pattern but its so hard .

One thing that was actually good about this whole month is that it really made me grow as a partner ,It made me stop taking love for granted and thinking everthing will be easy and its not that “i cant see life without her” that will obviously be a childish thought , but its more like “i dont want to see a life without her” , I can imagine my life without her , it just makes me feel really bad and really makes me motivated to work on myself , but the “what ifs” still hangs there like a rope in my throat , even when things are going great the thoughts still come and go and really makes it hard to fully love my girlfriend .

About my parents , our relationship is good , me and my dad used to fight alot about stupid things , and he used to say things you dont stay to your son , the worst being “Regret you were even born” but he used to be more short tempered and even though things hurted me , i tried not taking things to heart , because both of my parents are mostly caring and giving , but yea we had the fights and me and my dad still have those fights , hes more calm though . hes more religious too and kinda tries to get me to be more religious with him but i always tell him “im not doing it for him” and if i wanted i would .

Again , thanks for taking the time to answer my messages !