Dear anita,

thank you for you well wishes, I hope yo have a merry christmas as well!

I’m visiting my parents… It’s o.K., but actually I’m glad to return back to my city again. My sister said she always gets depressed when coming home. Now I’m feeling also a little depressed. We went to see our grandmother today. It always feels like we are the black sheep of the family. But there are also some good things. I get along with my parents better than in the past and our christmas is not as stressful as in other families. Tomorrow I will also cook for everyone and try out a new recipe.

How is your christmas going?

The therapist I was talking about, was my new therapist. The old one did never return my call and I will not try to reach her any more. Sometimes I still get angry at her when thinking about how the therapy ended.

But with the new one, I feel like she really cares and I actually had a good impression of her. Maybe I was expecting too much of her. She once said, that there is a contadiction between my wish to grow strong and independent and my desire to be guided. Maybe it feels for her like I want her to solve all my problems? Maybe part of me really wants someone to tell me what to do…

Sometimes I feel like therapists only want clients with smaller problems…

The question about how open I am came after I told her, that some weeks before I was feeling depressed after the therapy session. I had already felt bad that day (I told her), but we somehow ended up talking about something else. It was after I had cancelled that meeting with K. because I was afraid of infecting him and I wanted to talk about that. But we talked about my career problems instead and it made me feel even worse. I didn’t stop her, because I thought that it is an important thing for me to talk about. Because I have to face my problems. Just that on that day, I was already very down and it was too much. I think I didn’t trust myself enough to say “stop”. I also feared that maybe I will get lost talking about the same problems over and over again, without making any progress.

When I told her about me being depressed afterwards, she said that she got really sad because “she couldn’t feel me”. And then she asked who is the person I’m most open with? And I answered my best friend. And then she asked: if my friend is 100 % of openness on a scale, how open am I with her? I didn’t know how to answer. I already told her a lot of personal things about me. But maybe I should have told her how I felt. I guess I often avoid uncomfortble conversations. I didn’t even know before that I don’t express how I feel… When I talked with my sister about that, she said that her therapist told her something similar (that she has problems expressing what she feels).

But you are right, there seems to be a level of pressure to be open. She also said: “we have a lot of time” “maybe we just aren’t at this point yet”. Kind of contradictory.

I’m wondering what those feelings she doesn’t want to spare me with are… It must be something bad… I will ask her, but the next session is only after the holidays.

I want to be more patient with myself. You are right that I often feel like I acted wrongly or said something wrong. And exaggerate. I have this feeling that the way that I am is not good. That I should have achieved more, should be more secure, should know what to say… But I need to stop these thoughts. Recently I mainly think that I am embarressing and crazy. But for example my best friend says that there is nothing I do that is embarressing. She always believes so much in me, but I can’t believe it myself. But I guess if only I was more relaxed and accepted myself more, I wouldn’t seem crazy…

Hopefully I can make some progress in the new year. When I get back home, I want to take a day or so to really write down my goals, clean my room and clear my mind…

Thank you, that I can post here again and again and that you read and reply!