Dear Anita

so very well put. Thank you.  I do agree, and can see why she feels abused by me. In fact, I did not actively physically abuse her, and during her formative years, I wasn’t always present. However, I will say that my role in her life because of my mother was often very abusive. To elaborate, if I came home from college it became all about me, my mother would use me as a way to put her down further. Perhaps I also added to that without even knowing.  Perhaps I added to that actively as well. Or, I would go along with my mother. It was her and I against my younger sister. Given that my mother saw her and I as one, and felt like I was her chummy other half, I can look back and see how many times I just went along with my mother.   I recall a dance recital during which my sister was unable to perform as expected, and my mother was devastated. I recall feeling quite torn, I was there for my sister and feel angry at my mother for putting so much pressure on a young girl, however I did not take my sister in my arms and say it is OK and that my mother was wrong.    Of course not, only now do I have such insight, and so much more.

I do agree that an order for my sister to heal, she does have to spend time away. I also see that this is what she is trying to do without saying the word.  I do not believe that my sister and I have to be a no contact. I do believe that this will be more harmful for both of us then beneficial. But, understanding that my sister is not my mother, and vice versa, there is a lot of good to the relationship.    Given that she does have more insight and capability that my mother, and so do I, I do believe that our relationship can strengthen over time in respect, as we can both heal independently.

Yesterday I thought a lot about what we spoke about. I went for a jog, something I have not done in a long time. I was able to jog more than normal, caught up in my thoughts about all of this. When I finish my job, I realized, like many things in my life I do try to control my sister. I have been so caught up and what has allowed me to heal, that I push it on her. Without any understanding that I too was an abuser of her.    Addition, my tone and manner can be very domineering at times, and although I do believe it comes from a good place, that is hardly the point right now. What this person needs is protection from abuse. That is simply it.