im sorry if it’s too complicated or confusing… I’ll wirte it more specifically now.

so, something like this ever happened like 4 times in our relationship.. the first one really painful, she told me that she accidentally dropped her phone and then she told me she’ll fixed it and then she’ll be back for me after some time,she told me to waiting for her until she’s back and also she told mehow much she love me. i waited for her day by day and i keep texted her… but all i got is nothing, until 6 weeks i found out that she’s actually blocked me and i was crying like.. a lot and i was thinking about killing myself too on that moment but my friends told me to keep waiting and just try to contact her with another number.. after a while, she texted me back and she told me that she’s actually depressed, she said she dont know why she’s back being depressed again.. and she told me she doesn’t want to tell me about it first because she’s afraid I’ll think she’s a weirdo. after that i was trying to convince her that i want to help her and i told her that i still love her no matter what happened. and then after that we’re getting back together again but… it always happened in our relationship over…and over again. but she never blocked me anymore but still ignored me whenever she’s depressed.

the third time she hurt me, she told me that she didn’t want to be my girlfriend anymore because she thinks that everything is too much for her in her life.. i was shocked and i feel so down on that moment,but i appreciate her decision and i told her to do whatever she want and i told her i need some time from her to move on. after 3 days with no contacts.. she texted one of my friends and she told my friend she did a huge mistake by dumped me. she was begging to my friend, to tell me how much she love me and how much she miss me. after that.. i forgive her again and we were back in a relationship again. and she told me she’ll never hurt me again and she told me she’s a better person now. at first, yes.. she’s actually changed there and she’s actually being that romantic again… she makes me feel loved and she promised she’ll love me forever. but in this November. she texted me that she can’t be my girlfriend again and the most painful part is…. she told me that she’s not gay anymore and she have a crush with one of her colleagues, right after she said she love me. i was fucked up… and after some days, i was thinking about just killing myself and yes…i did it.. i took a lot of pills and she knows about it… she was begging me to stay.. and she told me she was crying a lot when she knows that im trying to kill myself on that day.

after that.. we’re talking with each other and try to communicate without any fights or something like that…. she told me she feels sorry and she told me all of that is a lie.. and she asked me to get back together with me. we’re dating again for some days, until she told me that she was trying to get back together with me because she just scared I’ll trying to kill myself again. it seriously hurt so bad to know about that. and in that moment i feel like i want to give up, and i just dont care anymore. after some days, i decided to block her number and just move on with my life… because i don’t know what to do anymore  and i dont know the truth anymore. and yep, again she begged me to unblock her and at least talk with her, but i ignored her for some hours.. and then after that she texted me she doesn’t have anything to hold on anymore… she said she lost all of the hope and she said ‘im sorry for everything….i didn’t mean to hurt you.. but i think i dont deserve my safe place anymore, i hope you’re happy…but im sorry, i think i have nothing to hold on anymore.. im done with everything’ i was so shocked and i immediately texted her and yes… after that we keep talking with each other. and she told me she still love me and all of the things about she’s not gay is just a lie. i sent her a letter to tell her how much i still love her and I’ll wait for her, she was so excited about it… we’re even talking like we used to be, we were joking around again.. but after that.. she ignored me again and she told me she’s having a fight with her parents and she’s back being depressed again. whenever i feel like im lost, i tell her about it.. and sometimes i texted her like “i hope you’re happier without me, and i hope you’re happy with that guy” and everytime i tell her about it, she’ll be mad and she told me like ‘i will never do that! i told you about it just to hurt you so you’ll hate me, i love you so much.?. how can i forget about you just like that? I’ll never do that.. for me it’ll always only you, even to think dating with someone else makes me feel like i want to puke, im not even exaggerated. I’ll get better.. i promise.. but i someday you dont want me anymore its okay.. I’ll stay alone my whole life, this place right here will be empty. i still want to get better for you.. i want to be a better person for you and treat you like you deserve…and i still want to live with you someday agnes”

so….i don’t know what to do anymore. i dont know is she really love me or not. and slso, she ever told me about killing herself too… like ‘sometimes i feel like i want to just get hit by a train whenever im in the train station’ ‘i really can’t hold it anymore…it’s really hard’ ‘im a failure…i think my parents are right… im just a failure to anyone, i think it’ll be better if im just gone..’ im so scared I’ll lose her forever.. i ever told her to see a psychologist, and she told me she’d love to go there.. but she can’t go there and she said maybe it’s not a good time to do that, because her parents still have a lot of problems, her parents still yelling at her, and also she’s scared if her parents find out and her parents will think that she’s a disappointment to her family. please….please give me some advice, to be honest im in that suicidal thoughts again, i just really missed her.. and now she’s being that cold to me after a lot of fights happened between us, after i told her how sad i am…im so lost…

and im sorry if this is too long, im sorry to waste your time… but i really need some help..i hope you’re understand…and also thank you so much for reading this