Shelby & Michelle,

It is true, my internal voice has been giving me a beating for some time now, particularly since I officially said enough. I can’t seem to stop beating myself up because how could I possibly even still be considering to try and view the world from his perspective when I KNOW he is no good for me. That to me is pure stupidity and I am so utterly embarrassed that I honestly would not even own up to this to many of my friends.

When discussing the events with my friend I acknowledged the fact that neither me or him are the same person we were prior to the trauma. The reality is it has affected us and changed us. Being the head strong, confident and outgoing woman that I am I cannot understand how I even got myself into this wholly dependant position, whilst he clearly went from loving, caring considerate to a complete self-destructive car crash. Our relationship did not look anything like this!! We were not dependant on one another, there was no toxicity, there was nothing. How did it turn to this?!

Michelle your input is always always welcome! You have been an absolute sigh of relief for me and give me hope as you have come out of this the other end!  I do think you’re right in saying that my friend is dealing solely with the split from her partner. I am and have been dealing with a trauma that caused me to essentially want to end my life only a few short months ago. It is a lot. And whatever this whole ‘trauma bonding’, the attachment, the fact that I know I need to leave but I cant stop holding on,  whatever coping mechanism my brain has instilled in me is beyond my understanding at this stage.

Nonetheless, I am going to try to remain head strong for now. I will not contact him for now. I refuse to allow myself to do that. I want to explore this situation with my therapist on Thursday in the hope that I get a bit more insight from a professional but I must admit, I am utterly embarrassed ladies. I think from the trauma onwards is almost like an out of body experience. ‘These things will never happen to me, these things only ever happen to other people!’ Until it hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. I can’t believe I have found myself in such a situation. Me? Who would’ve ever thought.

Thank you so much for your ongoing support and words of encouragement! I am so grateful!