Michelle,

My family members were all witness to everything that was happening over the summer so they are very aware. But at the time although the situation was deeply personal to me and me only, I felt I was also responsible for their hurt, to see me hurt. I felt almost as though a part of me died, but also parts of them and that was very painful to watch as they cried with me, held me and kept me alive by all means necessary for weeks on end. For that reason, the topic is a complete no go for me and I will not discuss with them – to prevent them any more hurt. According to them I am alive, kicking and well. Although they know me very well and are aware I am attending therapy so they probably know I am struggling in one way or another however I do believe they think i’m doing much better than I actually am. Perhaps out of respect or to not bring up any traumatic memories for me they too keep quiet and let me get on with things.. Nonetheless, it is definitely not something I want them to experience in any way as it is too painful. So much so that I will be going away for that date and a few days following the date. With him (which was the original plan) or without him I need to be away, in my own space, in my own privacy to go through this whichever way it decides to go.

I think I just need to get through this first date by all means necessary. I need to do whatever I possibly can to make it as comfortable as possible for myself because I am aware that I have been in a really dark place before. Maybe the date itself won’t be so painful in the following years.. Once I’ve done that first hurdle. No clue.