Shelby,

Psychology is indeed quite fascinating. I actually even studied it for two years back in my college days and it is mind blowing what our brains are capable of. You are more than capable of coming off of the anti anxiety medication and even maybe lessening your therapy sessions a little. Take as much time as you need. You’re doing extremely well and you WILL get through this. I just know it.

As it is still the beginning of my therapy journey, I feel I am only settling in. Although the environment is 100% comfortable and I do feel it is one of the very few places I am happy to discuss my trauma, I do somewhat still withhold because maybe I feel ashamed or embarrassed? Those are hard feelings to move past from.

I understand you may be missing your ex. That is completely normal and natural. But the way you miss your ex now and the way you missed your ex only a few weeks ago, I can see a complete difference. Back then it was the end of your world, how could you possibly go on, you’re unhappy. Now it’s a simple acknowledgement of my heart feels a little heavy right now, I miss him, but I am nor here or there. I will accept these feelings and tomorrow is a new day. The intensity of it has shifted.

I had two minor breakdowns today. One right after work when I got home and found myself with nothing to do and I wanted to reach out to him so bad. But not even to start a line of communication, rather it was to ask why? Why did you do all of this? How could you hurt me this way? And to dig him out for no longer being the man that I loved and trusted with my life. Everything I have already said to him and there is absolutely no need for saying it all again. Even more so, there is no need for opening up a line of emotional conversation with him when I know full well that I can’t handle his apologies, pleading and crying right now. So I settled for journaling instead, had a bath, went to do a food shop, worked out etc. And again had another one of those moments 30 or so minutes ago, again when I am no longer busy and have settled for the evening, this time everything is replaying in my head, I feel angry, betrayed, hurt, worthless. I want to text him. I want him to know that I am feeling all those things. But I rationally explained to myself that right now, me reaching out isn’t going to change anything, especially not how I am feeling in this present moment, so again I settled for journaling. Well bloody done to me!!

Now that you mention it, I have often wondered about PTSD and all of the persistent symptoms etc apply. But as I have never seen a doctor or anyone around this I haven’t been diagnosed. I don’t want to go and speak to my doctor about my struggles, probably one of the reasons I haven’t reached out for help via anti depressants.  But perhaps if my therapy sessions aren’t helping in the long run then it will be something that I will have to explore in order to move forward in my life, because I do want to move forward more than anything. I just want to be far away from where I am right now in terms of emotional/mental state.

I can’t quite see the progress I have made but it is reassuring to hear that you can. I hope to continue making progress and come out of this the other end just like Melanie. There were a few hiccups along the way and undoubtably there will be more hiccups which I will have to get through but I will get there. I have one life. I most definitely don’t want to live it this way for the rest of my days.