Dear Anita,

I was tired today, I am tired today. But I would like to write.  It is in times when we feel exhausted and defeated that we can look at our villains in the face.  We can say enough – don’t torture me.

But who is it that is the “torturer.”

Often it feels like one’s own mind.  Our mind agonizing, creating fear, our own self sabotage.  But as you dig further – and you learn your patterns, it becomes obvious that we are tortured by all that does not serve us.  To stay on this path. Our inner self, our “being” I will call it – it knows very well what we need.  and so all else outside of that will continue to torture us until we listen.

Sometimes I find that this may be too simplistic.  “so what – cut everything out?” “so what – live in a cocoon?”

But I see today, that often (in many cases) it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.  The way that my mother taught me, the way that many unstable people think.  That it is love or hate, good or bad.  Of course, as spoken earlier, i was either good daughter, or horrible.  Was there ever space for me to just be? Was there ever space for me at all?

And that is just it.  I notice I need space for me.  Space for what? For everything and nothing.

I was fed this delusion, believe this delusion, that because it was always about me – the golden child, the child who always got it right, the adult who succeeded, who never failed, was always liked, blah blah, etc etc. —- I believe that because all of this I had plenty of space for me.  In fact TOO much even perhaps.  But it is false.  I had no space at all, because intricately woven into all this was my mother and the mother voice.  It is a giraffe learning to walk, but carrying the dead weight of his mother before he even learns his first step properly.  It is being on the podium to speak to accept an award, but being most concerned how to thank your mother.  It is being told I am lucky and have it all, and feeling guilty that despite all this I was not happy – and being ridiculed about this – the irony.

No, there was never space for me.  All of this, all of the above is simply life steps.  They are not wholesome, they are not powerful, they are not healing.  They do nothing for a human or a soul.  I could have been in a concentration camp, or flying to the moon.  My mother had control of the real estate that is me.

So you feel angry, and want to stay away from anyone or anything that smells like poison even the slightest.

But it doesn’t always work that way.  And as an adult, we need to avoid, but also learn new tactics.  Unlearn the faulty, and learn the useful.

And the way to gain that in this modern world – is not always going to be cutting things out, or living in a cocoon.  But what it will be are boundaries.  Good old solid boundaries.

unwavering.  Yes, Anita I always did admire those that are unwavering.  In many ways – I was too. Look how unwavering in support for my mother until just a year or 2 ago.  Look how unwavering at keeping ties that did nothing good for me.

Yet, how WAVERING to the things that matter, my own definitions of good and bad.  That at the age of 33 I am JUST starting to define them.  No fault of my own – it is the way it is.

It feels fearful to be unwavering with boundaries.  Why? Fear came from the place of my mother.  “if you don’t do this, you will be alone.”

good is not here, it is over there.  no there.. no not here. keep going —over there.

It will take a long time to undo this.  It does not feel natural at times.  It feels wrong, or rude.  But my mother told me to denounce what is here, and jump to over there.

Well there is nothing at all over there.  I checked.  And I know now.

So hopefully my trust of this will follow…

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.