Dear afeels:

I took some time reading through your posts in your two threads. You wrote about your childhood that your father left when you were 12. You wrote: “I had a very neglectful and abusive childhood… I grew up in an environment so chaotic and not full of love. I grew up in fear.. I was beaten harshly when I was caught kissing two children. I was so young- 5”.

In your very recent post you wrote: “the only memories of her that I have when a young child was that she was angry,  or blank. I have more fond memories of my father… she still is short tempered”.

I wrote to you some time ago that it is very important that you keep your job. But if your job doesn’t allow you to live away from your mother, if having this job means you have to live with her, then it is not a good deal for you. I think you should explore other options:

-is there a way for you to live with your father?

-what about moving to a lesser expensive rent place, be it far away from where you are, so that you can live away from your mother?

(You can answer these questions today, or later if they distress you, or not at all).

Another point: fear. I am not  one to disrespect the power of fear. And you expressed feeling overwhelmed. You also shared so little about your childhood with your mother, and about your mother overall, that I figure such sharing is very difficult for you. Therefore I am aware and will not pressure you in any way to share more and to get more in touch with your fear.

You also have the option, of course, to reply when you feel like it, to stop reading what I write at any time, to not reply to me at all, to postpone replying, to come back to your thread whenever you choose.

I have the experience of living with a mother who was “angry or blank”. I remember blank very well, it came after the angry. She was sitting there silent, blank, for hours it seemed. The Angry was scary, the loud yelling, loud crying, on and on and  on, blaming, accusing, insisting, and then the Silence. The silence lasted for the night and the day after, eventually she started talking to me.

I used to have dreams of her looking at me angry, nothing else, just the image of her looking at me with anger.

You are welcome to share with me, anything at all, or not. You can change the subject.

anita