Thanks guys.  I’m really trying here.  it’s been all week now so far though.  I want to contact her so freaking bad.  I know i can’t.  I know that if i do there is lots of consequences.

It’s so hard to explain these feelings I get.  I feel like I would rather have some kind of contact, even knowing that she has no intentions, then none  at all.  I still get that good feeling when she would text me or play that stupid on line word game with me.  It’s been eating me up this week and last.  Hurts.

then i hurt because i feel like a POS to my girlfriend.  Why can’t I feel like this with her?  Why can’t I have that mind set of missing her all the time like i did my ex.

so much in my head right now.  luckily this week i don’t have my girls so I can have  a little bit of time to reflect.

I feel like i’ve put myself in such a bad situation now and I have no idea how to get out of it.

The only thing i can do is focus on work and my projects at home.  Besides that…  i don’t know.

DAMNIT!  All I want is to get in my truck, drive to her town, and just look at her in the eyes, then just hold her.  even if it was just for a second.  I absolutly hate this feeling.  this feeling of no control over my emotions.

I’m really trying to push past this episode.  I did cry the other night again.  Been a while since i have done that.

To make it all worse, next week is my 1 year anniversary of meeting my girlfriend.  I feel like an ass because part of me feels like ” no big whoop”  like it’s just another day.  Where as with my ex, i knew it every month and especially at the year.  I made it a big deal.

I got to get back to work.  talk later.