Dear Anita,
Thank you 🙂
I’m sorry for the late reply
I know, but the idea of people are temporary scared me :/ I really need to learn how to accept things
It’s correct, but I do trust my family to love me, I just don’t trust that my family will listen to me, it’s bad I know because I don’t trust my family. But I have the reason, and one of them is the last time when I told my mom and my older sister that I don’t want to go to my auntie’s house cause my auntie’s gonna verbally abuse me and force me to wear clothes that I won’t, they refused to listen to me, my older sister even told me that if I don’t go to my auntie’s house that means I don’t love my mother :/
First of all, I could say those things because I always stayed in my uncle and auntie’s house in 3 or 5 days, I always visited them before I went to my hometown on a holiday.
So then after my sister told me that if I don’t go that means I don’t love my mom so I went to my auntie’s house for 5 months ++, I liked to call myself, I was living alone at that time because no one really cares about me there, I never talked about how my auntie and my cousin verbally abused me every single day when I was there, wanted me to change to be a feminine, they always blamed me for a little thing, and funny but they even chose a soap for me, cause mine they said smells like a man soap, but it was a smell of strawberry soap, I still have the package, but they forced me to buy a new soap, so I bought a new one, as they wished, sometimes they even offered me an expired cake and I ate them. I wouldn’t ask others to eat foods or anything if I refused to eat it, why they did that to me?
My auntie talked about my mom behind her back, how bad she is as a parent etc. I kept it with myself because I didn’t want my mom hurting because I was hurting when I heard that. My auntie knows nothing about my mom. I was so stressful.
So I took sleeping pills so then at least it would help me to feel peace because sleep was the only way to escape even I had to sleep sitting, and I almost killed myself but failed because my cousin caught me on the rooftop and asked me to go inside, but she didn’t know I was crying because I covered it with making some jokes when I was walking downstairs. But then after 2 hours sitting, I went out, I walked with uncertain directions, I convinced myself maybe if I die suffering my mom and my older sister would believe me, that I wasn’t trying to lie when I refused to go to my auntie’s house. But then I changed my mind because I won’t leave a scar in my mom’s heart, I won’t leave a trauma, and I was concerned about what my younger brothers and sister will think about me if I die this way, they’ll see me in a different way and I don’t want that.
Until Eid Mubarak, I got a reason to come home. But that time my auntie would never let me go home even when I want to celebrate my birthday with my family after 6 years I’ve lost my chance. And I don’t have the power either to against her because I respect her as an older woman. So I need to wait until a week before Eid Mubarak.
But they and my family surprised me and celebrated my birthday, I was happy but it wasn’t a real happy but I thank them.
It happened 2 weeks after I attempted to suicide.
When I came home, I was so skinny, I looked like a homeless, and my mom sad, she cried. After 3 weeks staying home, my auntie called me and asked me to come back, I refused to come, but my mom insisted me. I tried to talk in a calm way, but nothing help, so then I’m starting to tell what happened to me, but never tell her about I attempted to suicide. Because I knew it will make my mom worried about me.
My older sister suggested to don’t listen what my auntie’s gonna say, I was upset because I was the one there and she wasn’t.
Short story, I have two older sisters, one married to a man that my whole family refused to accept, and my mom also my older sister afraid that I’ll do the same. While the fact I have no interest with men but my family know nothing about it.
There was a time when I tried to convince my mom, I remembered when she asked me
“you didn’t get hurt wearing Bakiak (it’s a wooden clog) every single day and running away with it?”
I said “it’s me, the only one who wears and feels it, people might think that I’m hurting myself but they don’t know that I’m not if I’m happy it doesn’t matter to me”
I kept showering my mom that I would be okay, I told her every morning about what I really want, like living with myself again, having a job etc
But it didn’t help, my mom still worried about me. So then, I turned to be childish, I refused to eat and refused to pray. I didn’t even talk to my mom, and I regretted it. I meant I used to asked a morning smile to my mom because when I studied I never get that, and then all of sudden I had to stop to talk and being cold, it was hurtful but I have no option to convince her, because it’s almost 3 months I stuck and stayed after came back from my auntie’s house, she didn’t let me go, and I couldn’t go without my mom’s permission.
The only thing that I want that time is freedom and I don’t want to be a burden, my mom’s burden, because I have responsibility for myself, and I don’t want my mom to take the responsibility of me because it’s a shame for me. I want to be an independent woman.
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Sorry for the long story but that story is the strongest reason why I don’t trust my family.
And about things that my auntie and my cousin did to me, it was and still hurt until today, I really need to learn how to forgive others and just forget what already happened to me.
And about my roommate, I’ve never told her because there was a time when I asked her, once, it’s about a question that she said normally people wouldn’t ask, so I never asked not even to share anything to her. I used to be laughed and never confused or being weak in front of her, so it would be weird if all of sudden I’m being silent. Because she thought the same too.
And about my name, my name is Nadia, sorry for being an unknown, I was insecure :/
I just learned from the elder, do not tell your problems so they wouldn’t be worried about you and not gonna get sick, especially my mom. And people around me used to see me as someone who always laughs, never sad in front of them, make jokes, sometimes corny jokes, so I began to refuse to show the other side of me and began to hate the weakness and the vulnerable side of me.
When my dad was sick my family never told me about it until my dad took his last breath, in 2011, I was shocked, I lived far away and know nothing about it. And the reason why my family refused to tell me because so then I can be concentrated with my school and not getting worried :/
I know my mom loves me, I just don’t trust that my mom will listen to me.
Once I’ve told my mom when I lost control and couldn’t handle my own burden, August last year, I told her that I was tired of work life, my mom offered me to come home and stop working, just live with her. But I just can’t, I don’t want to be a burden. And I regretted it for telling her that I was tired of work life.
I wish that I can find that person, but right now I’ll just stay away from the people that I used to know, and focus with myself, learning to understand myself, healing myself, questioning what’s wrong with me, what things that I need to change, that I need to fix, maybe that would help me. And this time I wouldn’t ignore and bury it with looking some distractions out there.
Anita, I honestly miss seeing my friends but I can’t just see them because I have to deal with myself first. It’s a month already.
But just now, it’s 1st Feb, 8:48 PM already here hehe, my friends asked to meet this weekend, I’m not ready, but I’ll just meet them, next week.
Oh, Anita, last Monday, I came to see a psychologist, I told her some of my problems but it was blurry cause I was uncomfortable, and it was so awkward for me, she told me that I have to do self-talk, often, and write it, like having a conversation, to help me to recognize myself.
She asked me to do mmm I forgot what’s the name, but I’ll just give the example when I’m sad what thing that could help me to less being sad. I told her seeing strangers doing their things on the train or bus, so then I would realize that the only people who have a problem is not only me and I’ll start to think that maybe they have a big problem too. Some people used to eat a lot of foods but that’s not an effective way. Mm, it’s like how to cope with your stress by finding things that make you comfortable without even create another problem.
Before I went to a psychologist I did self-talk every single day but I didn’t write it, I did it in front of the mirror, convincing myself that today is gonna be a great day, and to stop worrying or insecure about anything. Sometimes when the negative thoughts came, I suddenly jumped and said something good haha it’s funny I know talking to yourself in front of the mirror but sometimes it helps me.
Btw, about suicidal thoughts or attempt to suicide, I can make sure that it would never happen. I want to live longer and seeing my younger siblings grow up, I can’t wait for this June, I’m gonna meet my younger siblings, they also live far away from home cause of school, so I can’t see them unless on their holiday, and having a smartphone didn’t help because their school didn’t let the student bring a smartphone, they also live in a dorm but I called them on their holiday last December.
My younger sister grew up so fast, she is taller than me, she is so beautiful and when I video called her, she seemed healthy and happy, I made a joke and sometimes did funny face and then she laughed, it was so relaxing seeing her laughed, and my younger brother, he likes sport, so he got the hot body, I sometimes couldn’t believe that he actually in his second semester, because when I left home for school, he was only 10 years old.
Oh, I called my mom last 2 days, she remembered my birthday and she told me that finally I’m gonna be home on my birthday. I wish that day gonna come true, that I can celebrate my birthday with my family, I just want to pray around them on my birthday, when I was a child, we used to pray and eat foods together to celebrate our birthday and it’s something that I found important. I wish we all have a long live aamiiin
The strong reason why I want to stay alive is my family especially my younger siblings, I love them so much
I’m sorry for being so random and telling so many stories here.
Thank you for reading my story 🙂
with love,
Nadia
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