Dear Anita,

As to your first post – thank you for delineating it in this way, as it expands my understanding of the situation as well as yours.

Correct on both fronts, mother as well as N.

See, the thing before is that responsibility was always mine. There was not even a thought of – wait she has the ability to make her own choices, decisions, and employ boundaries.  I am not her gatekeeper.  Or her keeper at all.

So now – once I enforce my boundary – in whatever respect to an outside person, it is up to her to deal with that person in the way she chooses.  She surely may experience additional stress as a result of a choice I made -such as torture from my parents when she lived at home, trying to get info about me – but at the end of the day, I am NOT responsible for the poor treatment of her by OTHERS.  That is NOT something I can prevent or change.

Therefore,

Yes, if she does not respect my boundary of not wanting to hear about such people or things, I will have to say – sorry I can communicate with you if you do not bring up such things.  If you must, it is better we have space.