Shelby,

Thank you as always for your kind words, never fail to amaze me.

You are right, you are absolutely right when you say that is what family and friends are for. I KNOW this. It is the first piece of advice I would give to anyone facing a difficult situation, just reach out to someone, you are loved, people WANT to be there for you because they care for you. I just don’t understand why I struggle so much with applying that to my own self.. I genuinely wanted to go through the struggle on my own and for many many months I have but I have reached a standstill now and the reality is that progress right now is just not happening so perhaps those around me should know of my struggle – particularly because since my last spiral I haven’t been able to pick myself up.

I’m trying to read a lot into PTSD to try and better understand myself as I can’t figure my own self out in any of this. So far, it is only calming the thoughts that I am going crazy by proving that this is a very real thing, it happens to people and that you do need help to get through it. With that in mind, I think I may speak with my sister when she comes to visit in two weeks time. I’ll assure her it is nothing to worry about but perhaps it’ll give her a better understanding as to some of my behaviours/coping mechanisms which may come across as something ‘out of character’ for me.

For someone who has always lead a pretty good, calm life with no major life events or mental health problems I think the realisation and acceptance of the difficulty of the situation has been hard. At first I thought I was dealing with trauma, then heartbreak, then trauma and heartbreak, then depression, then anxiety and all these things are actually just an addition to my already raging PTSD. You always try to convince yourself that it isn’t as bad as it really is and give yourself a kick up the bum to just get on with things, maybe because of shame? Maybe because you think you should be further along in your journey? I don’t really know… I don’t quite know how this has become my life but nonetheless this is it right now and I have no other choice but to accept it.

In my lonely and distant world (clearly by choice as I withhold this from my loved ones) this forum has been an absolute God send right from the start and I am ever so grateful.