Grounded, glad to hear you took the post as intended, aware it wasn’t gentle.  I’m curious – in what way do you know this guy values you? From what I could tell from your posts all the time you were together he was interested in other women too?  Regardless, no, the loss of someone you have closely connected to is never ever easy.  It’s good news you are good by yourself, that’s a big step. I would try to look as realistically as you can as to what this relationship truly gave you. It is ok and helpful to be able to say – it was a good relationship for this but it didn’t work for that. I.e. you can still appreciate the good of what you had whilst acknowledging why it is not right for you for the future without change. My point to Shelby is true for you too – the more you continue to focus on the relationship the more you are hurting yourself.