By big things, I really just mean the things that truly matter to you in a relationship. Things that are a big deal (which often times ARE the little things). Like if she felt like home and safety when you hugged her, that’s a little thing but a big deal, you know what I mean? Having a bunch of random things in common that you like to do together would be another. Feeling a magnetic pull toward her or just always enjoying her company no matter what and wanting her around is another big deal. Things like that. There would have to be some pretty great and noticeable things to combat some of those negatives, and when the negatives outweigh the positives, that means you aren’t compatible and you would’ve eventually felt the way you’re currently feeling either way, no matter the circumstances, financial issues or not, ex involvement or not.

WOW!  you described exactly how i felt about my ex.  I think I’ve been longing for that so bad that i’ve been trying to “make it happen” with my girlfriend.  I kept on thinking “we just need to get past this” then there is another thing and another and another…  for example:  i thought once she moved in things would be better cause we would get to see each other more, then it was getting her caught up on bills.  Once that was done, then it was her work schedule, now that has changed and she can’t afford her own bills again so now it is waiting for her to get a better paying job, and i’ve always felt some irritancy with her kids.  It’s like every day is the same crap.  I know my girls aren’t angles, but they do listen.  They don’t argue and fight back with me.  And her kids at their age shouldn’t be doing that.  Back to my point.  It does feel like i’m always thinking “once we get past this”  and once that happens there is something else.

I think if I was really in love.  In love like I was before.  None of this would bother me.  I would figure out a way to make the best of it, to be happy.

I do hate that I feel so messed up.  It’s almost like I have some kind of resentment now with my girlfriend.  I think I really thought that she would move in, things would be better cause we could see each other, money would be better for both of us, so we could afford to do things together, everything.  Instead it feels like i’m poorer than before, I’m tied down to my house all the time, god forbid if i want to spend some time alone with just my girls are take just them away for the day.  To top it all off, my girlfriend now has severe jealousy and insecurity issues.  I feel horrible about that.  That is my fault.  For me staying in contact with my ex and hiding it.  Now my girlfriend is snooping on my phones and such.  Any time i get a text or two.  “who is that” or just a sigh.  I show her or tell her every text i get.  It is starting to get very frustrating though.  example:  Last night I got in the shower and left both my phones in the bedroom with her.  I got out of the shower and she said “your phone went off”   ” it was some game notification or something, like you haven’t played in awhile”  and then she said ” are you listening to love songs?”

So not only did she look when my phone made an alert, but she continued to snoop through it to see what i was on recently, ect… (the game is for my girls BTW).

This is getting so old.  I want my privacy.  I do keep journals on my phone, i locked them in my notes though so she can not read them.  I can’t change my passwords to get into my phone because then she will think I’m hiding something.

I know I created this insecurity and jealousy with my actions.  I feel absolute horrible about it all.  But I can’t live like this either.

We are supposed to go away for the weekend this weekend.  So I am going to make the best of it.  If nothing changes with how I am feeling or when it’s just her and me.  Then I will be talking to her towards the end of the month.  I really would like for her to get a better job first.  Speaking of, the “great job” we’ve been waiting on finally contacted her.  Sound like they are going to hire her.  She is waiting for a date for second interview.  The problem is their starting wage is from $12.24 to $17.00 per hour.  So we were thinking they would offer her around $14/hour.  Which is something that she could survive on.  Instead they only offered her $12.25/hour.  F%$&!!!  I told her when she has her second interview, she needs to bargain with them and try to get a better wage, considering her experience and everything.  We will see how it goes.  OH and it went from a Mon-Fri job to weekends for a while…  I DON”T WANT TO BE HER BABYSITTER.  I think that’s one of the bigger things why we decided for her to leave her previous job.  If it’s back to that, then why even leave the other one, at least with that one she made decent money.

All this said, I do know it’s not my fault that she doesn’t have a career and is struggling with employment.  Those were her life choices.  I do know if she wouldn’t of been with me she wouldn’t of lasted at her previous job, because there was no body that would have watched her kids that much.  I just feel bad…

I do really think that by the end of this month, i am going to have a talk with her.   I really don’t even know how to begin or what.  I know she is going to be crushed…  and her kids…

I can’t keep this up though.

It doesn’t help that i’m now having dreams at night about my ex either.  I do still miss her.  That really throws a wrench in the mix.  I think it’s like you’ve said.  I need to meet the right woman, a woman that gives me what i need and those feelings again in order to fully forget and be over my ex.

gotta go to work.  thanks