Hi Elizabeth,

You are welcome. I know you’re struggling, trying to sort things out. In your original post I noticed a few things that I wanted to bring to your attention if you’re interested. The Tiny Buddha member Inky once posted “Sometimes we need to teach others how to treat us”, or something like that anyway, and I’m wondering if your husband never really learned how to properly treat his wife.

1. Before this all went down, on your way home from work you called your husband asking him what he wanted for dinner and you wrote “He told me he was having a beer with this female employee (which wasn’t rare)” and that he’d meet you at home afterwards to decide on dinner. I consider myself a pretty easy-going, laid back, trusting and cool wife but my husband knows that if he wants to have a beer with a female co-worker he’d better see to it that it’s not just the two of them drinking alone in that bar. Why was his meeting her alone for a drink okay with him and you? The right thing for him to do would be to invite his wife to have a beer with them, or at the very least make sure another employee (his cousin?) is there with them. I realize this woman was your friend and that you trusted her and your husband, but it’s still not okay for a married man to go to a bar alone with a woman who isn’t his wife, no matter how hip, cool and laid back his wife is. A married man who respects his wife should already know this.

2. You abruptly leave the scene after catching the two of them alone in a bar holding hands, then you call him repeatedly until he finally picks up his phone. This man disrespects YOU by holding another woman’s hand in clear view, and based on your reaction he knows you’re now terribly upset. You’re the devastated one, the one who’s been blindsided, the one who’s hurting, the wounded one. In spite of his issue navigating difficult situations, why would he not immediately make sure you’re okay? Shouldn’t that be his first thought….is my wife okay? Did he not think about your safety, like perhaps it’s not a good idea for you to get behind the wheel after you’ve seen what you just saw?  But he lets you go, and he doesn’t even call to make sure you got home safely in the shocked and emotional state you’re in. So you make the decision to call him repeatedly until he finally decides to pick up his phone to talk with you. Why would you call him? Why did you not wait for him do the right thing and contact you?

3. Your husband and this woman assure you that, from that point on, their “relationship” will be strictly professional, and you believed them. Why did your husband not insist that she immediately find a job elsewhere? Why did you not insist that she immediately find a job elsewhere? 

If you were my own daughter these are the very same questions I’d ask you. I’m trying to be mindful that what I ask/share here may hurt you more than you are already hurting, and I don’t want to do that. Anyone reading your posts can see that you are obviously a very intelligent person. While you’re processing this terribly traumatic event, fight hard to not to let your good judgment get blurred by your pain.

B