Dear Canela:

In your June 2018 thread you shared that four years into a previous relationship with a man who became the father of your child,  he “started talking to other females” and he broke up with you. Six months later he asked you to get back together and you resumed the relationship.  About a year or two later he told you that you “had to move out and.. couldn’t live with him any longer”. At the time you had a car, a job and you were attending nursing school. Your child didn’t live with you and you saw your child “maybe twice a week”.

You wrote: “My child tells me how he misses me every night and my heart hurts every day”.

Your ex told you he was happy with the woman he was with and with his life and you texted him multiple times non stop. “I feel betrayed and I have a lot of anger”, you wrote, and you “don’t want to look the crazy ex that can’t seem to let go… for the sake of my child I need to be mentally stable”.

Eight months later, on this thread, you shared that following six months of being single (that would be about December of last year), you signed up for tinder. You messaged back and forth with a guy who seemed familiar. Later on you found out that the two of you were co workers in the same location two years before.

You decided to “go with the flow” with him and the two of you were physically intimate. Soon after the beginning of the relationship he told you that he was moving to a different state and three days after he moved, he updated his status to “in a relationship” and commented that his relationship was “16 years in the making”.

You wrote: “I believe I was actually a side chick all this time and I didn’t even know it… he was just lying to me all along and just wanted to have fun until he was moving to another state. I have once again feel used and unworthy.. I understand it wasn’t going anywhere”.

My input: if he told you during the time you messaged back and forth and then dated that he had long term plans with you, suggesting plans for a future with you then he did lie to you. But if he didn’t suggest any future plans with you if he didn’t suggest a long term relationship, then he didn’t lie, did he?

It is always a good idea for two people meeting to talk about what each wants, and be specific. Better not go with the flow and hope for the best. Better ask questions and listen to the answers.

I think there is work you need to do and that there is hope that your life will turn out much better than it has so far, if you attend quality psychotherapy so to gain understanding of what motivates you, what you are afraid of, how to manage your emotions so to not fall into the depths of despair, how to communicate effectively with others, specifically with men.

I am wondering if you are still attending nursing school and if you are still visiting your son twice a week or so?

anita