Dear Anita:

1. with the space she asked, i would break down and talk to her every 3-5 days between the week because i felt like i really wanted better communication than taking space and i was also afraid to lose her. I know now that this is just normal instinct behavior when you know a relationship is about to end so i finally just let her go with her decision.

2. I dont know yet if this comes from a deep rooted psychological problem but i was never able to tell loved ones that i love them even though i feel that ways towards people. She told me she wanted to hear me say I love you but i couldnt for reasons i dont know yet. My intention was to never harm her from keeping my feelings towards myself, i just dont know how to express even with something so simple as words

3. I didn’t know it was a threat till i took an introspective look on what happened but i felt like she had doubts about our relationship and i got so insecure about it that i felt like if she doesnt want to have a future with me then why not break up? Her response was begging for me to not break up with her and i felt so terrible after because i clearly didnt want to break up..

4. there was a moment where she was crying and told me she really needed me to come over to make her feel better and my response didnt take her seriously (i dont remember my response to her cause i have memory issues but she said i laughed it off). I always thought she forgave me for it but she brought it back up during an argument and i never felt so terrible about it. She clearly needed my help and during that time i wasnt there.

5. When the topic of marriage popped i told her i dont want to get married but i want to spend my life with her and she knew it. She did get upset about it and sometimes she kind of forced the idea on to me some times but i thought we both came to a compromise about it. After much reevaluating, i realized my perspective on marriage came from my parents and sisters marriage cause they always failed, so i believed marriage in my childhood left a bad seed implanted in my mind.

6. At the current moment she has every right to second guess my actions because i realized i was working on gut instincts. The things i was doing such as finally telling i love you, saying i want to get married, and the promise ring were genuine acts of mine but the timing was clearly not acceptable to do. I wasn’t trying to guilt trip her but i do see why she would believe it.

7. She says shes an empath but cant release or express her feelings out and she gets to a point where she becomes really passive aggressive towards people. I believe she was holding onto unresolved resentment towards some of my actions in the past and when it finally came to the breaking point she got really passive aggressive towards me. I was trying to open up towards her and she would say stuff like “you were a great learning experience, thank you for the lesson honestly” or during a conversation with friends of ours about a situation that happened to us, she smacked a plate out of my hands and ran to her room and when i went to go comfort her she was crying to me that shes so sorry and that she doesnt know why she did that and she felt so horrible.

After looking into the relationship and the breakup, I see that this was needed because of major miscommunication issues between us and this was a wrong time for us because i havent healed from past issues and it made our foundation rocky. Im glad she didnt give me a second chance because this would honestly happen all over again. I realized i have to work on myself mentally and spiritually to fix my problems and make a better version of me. If we ever end up rekindling again, i know it will be built on a better foundation. At this time i just have to let her go and bring myself to a better version of myself.

Hopefully you can reply soon Anita

Jesus