Dear Anita,

Good morning.

The date I would like is February 13

This is the last day I spoke to my parents, my mother in fact.  The last thing she said to me on the phone (screaming in agony not speaking) was the following:

We should have had an abortion with you

That wasn’t the tipping point or the hurtful last punch, it was just a sign that enough was enough.  There is no helping the crazy, there is no usefulness in absorbing the crazy, and when enmeshed in crazy – you too are crazy.

One year later, February 13 (now) I have not spoken to them.  My biggest hurdle since then has NOT been how to keep no-contact.  It has been a variety of healing paths including, juggling the relationship with my sister, but most importantly my relationship with my husband.  It is through time and the help of you, that I am opening my eyes to the immense gift my husband is, a loving supportive partner.  I had been blind to this, and not just blind but an attacker.

Which brings us to our current topic.  You are no longer an attacker, when you no longer attack.

Of course.  How could it be any other way.  Would I call my dog a sweet docile dog if he attacked weekly at the park? What about monthly? In this case I would still worry in the back of my mind.  What about once every few months, well the worry would be buried in the back, but may come up from time to time.

I would only call him a sweet docile dog if  I NO longer see him attacking.  Of course.

I love your idea, to mark the calendar.  And this time next year, on February 13 I will celebrate being a non-attacker.

I do hope that I continue to have insight, foresight, and hindsight.

I know one thing is true – the most helpful advice I have gotten recently is the following:

do not help/simply do no harm.

This has been instrumental.  My innate need to jump and help is a frenzied state, it is not a calm way, and it does not prioritize myself nor my husband.  Often it helps no one, it is just a reflex based in fear/anxiety.  Instead, when I do no harm, and often this means do nothing at all – I can think and act from a place of calm.

Do not seek – do no harm.