Kkasxo,

Thanks always for your reassurance. It’s a lonely scary place to be and just feeling as though one other single human being understands and empathises with you, means a whole lot.
It does feel like a struggle. Everything feels like a struggle now. I don’t want to spend my life struggling and I’m sad that this is the kind of life I now have, despite my attempts to change it.

Not so lost star,

I have read some of your story too and I really appreciate your input. I dont know how to close that door, I have tried. Two months of no contact and still every single moment of my thoughts were about him and the feeling that I would one day contact him again. The lack of a please effff off from him too, just makes is more confusing I guess. In some ways, I morbidly hope that would be the reaction when I reach out, so then I could just hate him and get angry and move on.

Im extraordinarily tired of spirit right now.

Michelle,

Please don’t misunderstand- I don’t feel people such as yourself would be disappointed because you come across as bossy or whatever. I’m literally crying as I read your post. It is because of my regard for you that I feel I’m letting people down. I don’t have to meet people in person to connect with them or have a level of respect, if I feel it’s merited. I admire you and therefore I feel your advice is practical and sage and when I can’t follow it through, I feel silly and unworthy in myself. These are my issues, not connected to others.

I lost my mum to illness some years back and a true miracle happened when my dad met a wonderful kind caring woman who became one of my best friends and step mum. We lost her too to a brief and shock illness. My brothers too have tragedy in their lives and even my sister. I won’t get into their own personals struggles on here.

I’m going to sound a little whiney too I’m sure but my full health capacity was ‘taken’ from me too over the past decade with two surgeries and consistent pain. Look, I’m grateful to be where I am now, living the best way I can despite all that and so so many others have such suffering. So I truly do feel grateful as much as I can, but sometimes, I feel like, what is the really meaning of life. For some……happiness? For others, maybe just to struggle and survive till the end.

I have had such angst the past 24 hours, involving reconnecting with my ex but also my sister has gone into the hospital and I’m mindong her toddler by myself! Gosh, they sure are hard work! Hats off to all the mommas! But I’m waiting anxiously to hear of news of the new arrival.

Its clear my ex has not grown or changed his mindset since we split. So if we did reconcile, it would tentative and with some distance again to start with I’d imagine. Yet, I adore him, I love being in his company and spending time with him. It’s when I’m away from him, I’m anxious. When fear sets in I suppose.

Why couldn’t there be a manual? I can’t navigate this any more.

P.S – my therapist did suggest that I met up with my ex recognising that he is unavailable so there wouldn’t be a threat of it going anywhere near making me happy but during the course of the relationship I grew and that changed.