Hi Michelle and all,

Today has been a roller coaster. I had a terrible nights sleep worried about my sister in hospital in labour, I barely slept two hours and was also on edge listening to the monitor in case the toddler stirred in his room. When I heard she had a beautiful baby boy during the night I was relieved but was too wound up for sleep.

This morning was a frenzy of getting the toddler ready for nursery and getting him there. He was dubious and clung to me and screamed getting in the car, which he never does. He must have known things were not as they usually are! I ended up with more pain as it was difficult to get him into car seat when he was having a meltdown.

I made it to the city and picked up some essentials for my sister but then the nurses told her I couldn’t go in. (Her husband had been sent home around 6am so he was catching an hour or two of sleep). Eventually I snuck in and gave her the few things she wanted and met my angel nephew. He’s perfect, just perfect. I’m already in love!

I then had therapy and the meeting with my ex and the lack of sleep and monthly hormones and anxiety over my sister and all the change- I just cried for 60 minutes. It came flooding out. My therapist felt it was all the tears and hurt I kept in during my meeting with my ex which I disguised so as not to scare him off.

I explained that I’m fed up. I’m clearly not a person capable of copping on and moving on OR at the same time can’t accept what I know would be the type of relationship with my ex if we reconciled. He feels I’m at the position now where I’m trying to make myself be a person who can accept what is on offer.

Honestly my mind and heart are in knots. I can not believe that I will life a future part of my life where I don’t feel a loss and don’t feel alone. For some reason it’s beyond comprehension or imagination for me.

I love being with him. But I don’t love not moving forward. So how can I reconcile this- that’s my main problem. My therapist says one of the most important things we should learn is how to quit. He said many people put so much weight into the idea that you can get and achieve whatever you dream if you work hard enough, but he believes giving up can be one of the best decisions you’ll ever make in the right context.

It was all so draining. Then I had my course which was intense for two hours!I’m exhausted and now my car is being tested for roadworthiness – I feel like I’m back at school being examined!!!!

Tomorrow morning he and I are supposed to be going fishing – he is maintaining his polite distance in our text communication but made the plan anyway, so we’ll see what will be said tomo.

I felt like running away to a rainforest today – I genuinely truly did. X