Dear lostcloud:

You asked earlier: “has no-one ever had a situation where you gave someone a second chance (or in his case many more) or felt drawn back to the very thing that burns you?”

-yes, I have. I was drawn back to the very person that repeatedly burned me because I didn’t see that person correctly. I will explain myself as I refer to you and your story here:

In your most recent post you wrote about Dan: “maybe he is just selfish, greedy and lacks empathy/ emotion to really ‘connect’ with anyone on anything more than a surface level”-

It this is how you saw him when you first met him, you wouldn’t have been drawn to him. If this is how you saw him at any time throughout the relationship you would no longer be drawn to him. And if you saw him that way now, you wouldn’t still be drawn to him (“I still feel sad to let go”, original post).

In traditional cartoons and many movies, there are good character and bad characters. The bad character is always bad, therefore the good character is not confused and stays away or fights the bad character.

In real life every bad person used to be a good little boy or girl, and that good boy or girl is still there- you get to see glimpses of that boy, moments of seeing that boy loving, eager to please, tells his truth as it is and you fall in love with that boy. This is what draws us to a bad person (in addition to the physical/ sexual attraction to the man that he is).

This is what is confusing about bad  people, that is, people who repeatedly lie to us, betray us, and harm us. Sometimes we get to see in them the good child inside them, locked in.

Understanding this concept helps when evaluating a person as good for us, or bad for us and it helps when aiming at no longer being drawn to a person who is bad for us.

One other thing, you wrote: “You can look at some of the most beautiful women in the world.. who I am sure are decent human beings“- better not assume, at least not regarding people you do meet in person, that they are decent. Learn and evaluate a person before you are sure he or she is a decent human being.

anita