Hi Anita,

Regarding B… I think it’s not only learning in order to gain wisdom by paying attention, but one has accept responsibility by not blaming anyone else for their own failings, and admit and accept that the blame lies with themselves sometimes. I think it might be about not lying to yourself.

If I am wrong, I accept responsibility for my mistakes. I apologise. I learn from it.  I accept blame if it lies with me with humility and all due respect to the person involved for pointing out my mistake and thanking them for making me aware of it. I truly believe that people don’t grow or increase in wisdom until they can accept that they can sometimes or even often be wrong. And not make themselves a ‘victim’ and find someone to blame instead of themselves – finding a ‘scapegoat’ to excuse their mistakes and make them into someone else’s.

If my sister is wrong about something (it doesn’t matter if it’s proved) she will swear black is white and it’s always someone else’s fault. The last time she threw a tantrum, there were no apologies when it was over and things were back to normal. Her only comment was ‘I’m only human’. I remember thinking at the time she said it, ‘Yes, and so was Dr. Crippen’.

B. always blames her men for whatever is wrong with the relationship. They all start out being ‘The One’, and her expectations are high that this time it’s right. Then she finds they are, indeed, only human – with wants and needs of their own. So they deceived her (in her own mind) as they were not so perfect after all. So she leaves without a word or a warning.

Regarding my mother…yes, at one time she was pretty toxic. I was the scapegoat for most things. My sister learned at my mother’s knee about the power you could gain over people by being manipulative, intimidating and bullying. As I bore the brunt of most of their bullying, I soon learned to keep away from them as much as possible. My friends became my family and my support system. When my sister wasn’t making my friends into her flying monkeys, or persuading them that she could be a much better friend to them than I could!

All I feel for my mother now is a deep sorrow for her being the way she was. And the way she is now. I would say that the way she is now is Karma.. a cruel kind of Karma as she has now been robbed of the very thing she most coveted, and that was her control over everybody and every situation, and having all the attention focused on her.

I don’t care about the money or any eventual inheritance. But having been at the receiving end of this kind of bullying for years, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not even my mother, especially in the vulnerable state she is now in.

How much would it bother me not to see my mother again? I would be very sad not to be able to see her and see that she was being treated well and that her last days were not spent in constant fear of abandonment. More out of a sense of duty, perhaps. I have a feeling though, that she wouldn’t miss me much at all.