Dear anita,

recently I worry a lot again and I need to share it with someone.

Some months or weeks ago, one of my flatmates asked me if I had seen her knife. She only owns one. I didn’t think much about it. But recently, I was cooking with my knife from ikea and another flatmates asked: “Have you seen the knife of this flatmate? She is missing her ikea knife?” And I asked: “Oh, like this knife?” And she replied “Yes, like this one” But I explained, that I owned this knife for longer. And looked in the community cuppboard, to see if it was there… And she said “Yes this is exactly where she always put it.”

Now, after this conversation it seemed weird to me that she was asking again about the knife after so many weeks. And it seems now to me, like they think that I am stealing or something???

Afterwards I looked through my whole cupboard to see if I had accidently taken the knife and now had two knifes, but there was none. And I started to worry, if I had stolen something, without realizing. They have a food sharing shelf and I once took one or two oranges from there. But I thought it was o.K., since it was the food sharing shelf, and why else would you put your food there?

Also, we had to move out of the dormitory for a while some months ago, as they were renovating the dormitory. The administration said, that they would throw away everything away that was left over. On the last day or so, I found out that my pan was missing. I had already prepared my food, so I used a leftover pan. I asked one of the few people who last moved out, if it was her pan and explained the situation. She said it wasn’t and that it this point, I could surely take everything that was still there. So I kept the pan and also a few other items, as they would have thrown them away anyways. But now I was thinking about this and got worried. So I put the items I found months ago back in the kitchen yesterday, because maybe it was wrong to take them.

But I realize, that this might seem even more suspicious to them, if they find out…

Maybe this was the reason why the one woman behaved so weirdly to me. There was also an E-Mail about stealing going around back then. So maybe they think that I am a thief.

Which I am not. I didn’t take the knife. Lots of people own things from ikea. But this all worries me so much…

I definitely want to move away from here now. So far, I went to see one room in a flat that I would share with two other women. Maybe, if I live with less people, I could connect with them better and then we could understand each other better.

Recently, I read “The four agreements” and it helped me a little to calm down. I reminded myself, that I did not take this stupid knife, so I have nothing to worry about.

I guess I should calm down, I didn’t do anything to them. But instead it made me nervous and now I will seem more suspicious.

The solutions could be:

1) Try to act as normally as possible (but I am a very nervous person and this will be hard for me).

2) Read books like the one by Miguel Ruiz to calm myself down and think more positive thoughts. Maybe after a while I can train my head to think in a more healthy way and respond more calmly to problems like this. Try to think about more positive things.

3) Intensify my search for a new place to live. I have to move out from here in a few months anyways and I feel so uncomfortable here.

I am sorry for the long rant… In the past I was made to be the scapegoat and now I feel guilty for things that I didn’t even do. I just needed to talk to someone…

And how are you doing?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Lily.