Dear anita,

thank you for advice. I took back those things. Last friday I just was in a very bad mood. One of my Co-workers made passive aggressive jokes again that made me feel so worthless. I almost started to cry at work and had suicidal thoughts on friday and saturday.

Then I had to think again about the question with the knife. And it got to me and I went a little bit crazy.

Next week is also a floor meeting again and I do not want to go. I don’t want more stress… That’s also why I avoided going into the community rooms the last days. I just don’t want my peace of mind to be disturbed again. But it will probably make me look more suspicious. Sadly my answers to her questions must have made me look already very suspicious.

Somehow I always seem to have issues in social situations. Maybe because I am socially awkward and don’t talk much. So people don’t understand. Maybe also because I don’t like myself much and put myself down, so others also don’t respect me.

You are right, thoughts can’t harm me. But I get very afraid of them. Even in my childhood I was very afraid of being judged. Probably because I heard a lot of mean comments at home and at school. But I am grown up now and people usually don’t dare to make such comments to adults (how sad that some would then think it is okay to treat kids in this way? Or to hit them? When they would never do this to an adult!).

I think I will read more positive books and such to fill my head with positive, inspirational thoughts. This will leave less room to the fearful thoughts. And I should also work on my drawings and my career, so then I will also feel better about myself. I now got into this mentoring programm and am thinking to show my future mentor some of my artwork when I first meet them. And I also want to tell them my plans on what I want to work on next and ask them for tips on how I can improve professionally.

On sunday I went out for a walk and then painted. It really helped to just go and do something despite not feeling good! I have to remind myself of this. And be a little bit more stricter with myself.

Last night I had an  idea for a graphic novel that I could use for my bachelor thesis. I could go into the library and start researching once a week, so then I can present my idea to my professor next autumn or in late summer. I think I have the artistic and intellectual abilities to make a good book. Just need to work on my discipline!