Mark, I just simply plan on telling her that i don’t think we are compatible.  Not as families or lovers.  That the amount that we fight and disagree and have issues with our children and our children having issues with each other is too much.  That in fact it is reversed.  What i mean by that is that for the amount of time we fight or have problems is the amount of time that we should be happy and all getting along and vise versa.  I’m going to tell her that I’m just not happy like I should be and my girls are not happy either.  That we need to be on our own.  That I need significant time to also rebuild my relationship with my girls.  That I just can’t do this anymore.  Feeling guilty and responsible for her happiness and wellbeing.

I am going to ask her to move out.  I really don’t know how that is going to go, since she cannot afford a place of her own, even with assistance.  The waiting list for housing assistance is closed in my state because it is so long.  It could take years for her to get that granted to her.  I’m going to suggest that she talk to her family members and see if she can stay at any of their places and store her belongings there or she might have to get a storage place which sucks, cause that is more money also.

She does know i’ve been feeling this way, when we do fight, i do bring it up.  Our last fight she did bring up moving out and I agreed, but by the end of the night she went into a panic or anxiety attack(I think)  It was pretty bad.  The way she was freaking out. It was almost like she was having a mild heart attack.  I was actually pretty scared for her and almost took her to the hospital.  So that killed our fight and i took care of her.  Which she misinterpreted for us being all better.  Since that fight, she has been a lot better.  But I know it’s only a matter of time before another fight.

This just sucks in the worst way.  It would be so much easier if she could afford to find a place on her own.  And having her kids involved just complicates things even worse.  Honestly if I could afford it I would give her enough money to live on for a year so she could move on and we could both get our lives together.  I can’t though.

I do love her.  That is one of the problems.  I do care for her and her kids.  I’m not “in love” with her like a man should be.  That is my fault.  My fault for pursuing this relationship when I still had hangups on my my last one.  I should of listened to advice in the beginning and ended it then.  But I really did think we had a lot in common and I did enjoy being with her.  I thought it would be a good thing and turn into a great thing.  I think that all the problems we had to face together just became too much for me and my girls.

Now I feel stuck in this situation and I only see it getting worse before it gets better.  She really is a good woman, she just has had a bad go at life.  I know we all make our own decisions, however her kids father being a deadbeat dad is not something that she could control.  If he wasn’t, things may be better.  If she was getting her child support and other support with her kids their whole lives, and having their father there to share custody, so she could get away once in awhile.  I know things would of played out different.

I need to go.  I will keep you all posted on this.  feeling down and guilty right now.  gotta get to work.  later.